Ow

I hurt right now,
And yet, I feel relief.
But I also wonder if I did the right thing.
Maybe I should have stuck it out?
I miss you already - the comfort of you.

Downgrading us to friends,
Which I did recently,
Removes the canopy from me -
The idea of you being 'my' guy,
In my corner.
However dysfunctional it was,
I felt a right over you and your time,
A right to complain, throw tantrums,
Share good, bad and indifferent.
I have now taken that right away from myself.

Things are not going to be too different for you,
Except probably the relief of not hiding,
Or trying to cater to my wants and needs.
As you reiterated yet again,
You just can't handle or act like my boyfriend.
And in that case, what's left is friends,
For I know no other alternative.

I cannot say get lost and I won't see you again.
You meant something to me,
And I enjoy talking to you,
Hanging out with you,
Being around you.
And I adore the little one.
You mentioned that you were most afraid
Of my calling things off,
And how that would deprive her of my influence,
And presence in her life,
Even more than what it meant for you.
But call "it" off I had to.
I asked you this weeks ago,
And you vehemently said no!
There's no break-up,
That's not an option.
But then, you still couldn't bring yourself to deliver.
So much as it hurts, I had to make that call.

Don't worry - I am not running away,
Though yes, you won't be my priority anymore.
And when I start dating again,
You will necessarily and naturally get even less of me.
But for the here and now,
I still find a comfort/familiarity in your voice,
In our phone conversations...

And for the 3 months we were together,
Albeit the writing was on the wall even by week 6,
We still did have a something.
Small, Big, Odd, Off-kilter.
You made me  feel special.
I really did think we would last.
But slowly, you talked and acted different.
Regressing, recanting, reviewing,
Going back on everything you promised and said early on.
To the point where even my most hopeful self had to see the truth.
You are taking and taking,
But unable to give anything tangible in return.

You took the blame on yourself,
Saying it was definitely not me that was the problem,
But yourself.
I thank you for that - it would have been all too easy to make me at fault,
Throw around stuff.
You are an honest person.
Sadly, highly confused and completely lacking clarity, too.
I think I cried, as did you,
For what could have been,
Rather than what actually was.
The potential was so vivid,
The thoughts so in sync,
Back in October.
But then things slowly started to unravel.
And come January,
I was drowning,
As were you,
In discomfort and unmet expectations.
We brought in the new year together,
And I think the truth was for me to see,
On the 1st itself - I just ignored it!

I was never in love with you,
Nor you with me.
But we cared.
Still care, for that matter.
Just not are not in sync in the manner of its display.
I hoped for a romantic partnership.
You just wanted comfort and someone to talk to.
Though you thought you wanted the entire deal,
You just could not give.
So, we downgrade to friends,
And I will go back to dating again.

Push, Push, Further Away

Congratulations - I laud your efforts.
You have, rather successfully,
Pushed me away.
You've made me sad,
You've made me mad.
You've made me feel of no import or significance in your life.

You've made me doubt myself,
My intuition, my ability to know if something is right.
You've left me feeling hopeless - I don't want to have to demand and fight.
At least once in a way it would be good to have you take the initiative to do something with me.
I wonder, do you even care whether I'm happy or not?
How can you possibly think I am okay with us not meeting for two or more weeks at a stretch?
We live in the same city - if I wanted a long distance relationship, I could have had one!
Daily phone calls don't cut it - I want, need, expect and more to the point, know I deserve more.

I am trying desperately to feel close to you, somehow.
Despite all your pushing me away, with words and actions.
Wearing things you gave me.
Talking with enthusiasm when you call.
But it's not working - I am just sad and feel alone.
For even if I want to be close to you,
Where are you to achieve that?
And not just in a physical sense,
You're clearly not there with me even when we're talking.

You've been rather selfish of recent, something I called you out on.
You want me to be involved in your life and your child's,
But always on your terms.
In fact, every bloody interaction,
Be it a call or meet up,
Is on your terms.
You give when you feel like,
And I am well aware that you're far from me,
Not just physically but also emotionally.

I don't ask anymore, to meet.
So you seem to have thought I am okay with sporadic meetings.
No, I most definitely am not!
That you don't want to be alone with me is clear.
You bring the little one along,
Knowing I will turn my attention towards her.

It rankled,
When I realized you're doing things with others.
A weeknight movie outing,
Drinking with your buddy on the weekend.
Wow really - what am I then?
Where and when do I figure?
Oh wait, there I am, the voice on the other end of the phone line.
HA!

Every person tells me its time to tell you to take a hike.
They don't understand what I'm still doing with ya,
You, with all your rules and expectations and unwillingness/inability to give.
My people have been asking me to get out for well over a month now.
I don't know what it is that keeps me sticking on.
My unwillingness to have yet another relationship end so soon?
My hope for better times - wanting things like they used to be a couple months ago?
The idea that vacationing together, without the stressers and distractions of work and family,
Will bring us closer together? Will iron out the kinks?
I'm not even sure we should be going on vacation, at this point!

I don't know anymore, what to do.
I am just so sad.
You've made me sad, and your indifference is hurtful.
And that, pretty much, sums it up...

Sadness

It makes me sad that my first post of 2015 is this.
Life, it really does turn on a dime, doesn't it?!
When I wrote my 2014 wrap up post, I was feeling so positive.
For the most part, 2014 was a year of gratitude and happiness.
2015 is beginning rough,
On an emotional level.

I suppose I shouldn't  be surprised.
Trouble has been brewing in the personal life.
I've been saying wait and watch,
Don't give up,
Keep trying,
Etc.

I've been feeling taken for granted by the man.
Less than two months into the relationship,
It's become mundane and work a day.
There is no spark anymore, not even affection.
An obligatory hug/kiss goodbye is not enough.
Not this soon, especially when that's the only intimacy happening!

I don't need or expect grand gestures and romantic words.
But I expect to get at least near what I am investing,
Giving of myself emotionally.
I am the sounding board.
And the one who deals with the bad mood.
The work stresses and issues are discussed,
The little one's school, future, moods.
And it makes me happy to be involved thus.

However, and this is where the change is seen of recent,
When I talk or share or need,
I find nothing forthcoming.
He actually zoned out on me the other day,
When I was talking about what had gone on with me and my day.
And having said, early on, and repeatedly,
That meeting up once to twice a week was my expectation,
And having that not be met,
Makes me sad and mad.
I don't think I am clingy or demanding,
Not as a friend, not as a girl friend, or partner.
I have been told repeatedly that I am "chill."

What scared me was the time we spent together yesterday.
I was already in a standoffish space,
Thanks to the way he approached the meeting,
And the fact that it was our first meet up post new year's.
I did something I never do - keep my distance;
Sat far away, across the room,
Didn't at any point,
Engage in even a random touch.
Was quiet - speak when spoken to.
Not rude,
Just not initiating conversation of my own.

And what did he do?
Not inquire,
Not even notice,
It seemed like.
Stayed where he was,
Half asleep,
More interested in other things.
Didn't reach out to or for me at any point,
Either physically or with words.
When it was time for him to leave,
Out on the road,
He reached out for a hug,
Which I just barely returned -
Again, not my usual behavior.
But I just couldn't bring myself to reciprocate.
I felt so alone and empty and unwanted in that moment.
And like his hug was because it was what was expected of him,

In fact, a lot of recent interaction has been of that ilk,
Calls because he's expected to,
If and when there are check-ins,
It's cause its the thing to do.
Or at least, that's how it's coming across to me,
Rather than being done out of care or need of his,
I get a feeling it is done as a duty.
And that, truly hurts more than anything.

Taking Account

So, everywhere I turn,
People are taking stock of the year that was.
2014 on its last legs - the last day of the last month of the year.
I was super tempted to do the "My Year in Review" type thing,
On the social media sites - FB especially,
What with everyone posting end of year memories/photos/messages.
But I desisted.
I did one mushy type post last month, for Thanksgiving.
Enough publicity, methinks.

Plus I want to really be able to ponder my year.
It's been a good one, yes.
But there are things to reflect on,
Some of it intimate -
I can't talk about having fallen in love, on FB!
Not without raising myriad questions from oh so many.

The year began with a new job.
Small company, with me focusing on writing as a career.
I was scared - would I be able to do it?
It was a very quiet and while not unfriendly,
Rather un-inclusive atmosphere to begin with.
It took me 2 months to crack the people,
Get friendly, stop eating lunch alone.
And when it happened, it was great!
For the most part, I work with really nice folk.
The kinds with good hearts, decency, niceness.
A few have left - the ebb and flow here is high!
I miss the two gals who were my buddies.
But there are boys around who keep me going.

I moved home too - from my shyte little hole in the wall in a super conservative neighborhood,
To a still conservative but very nice place.
I literally live on a tree lined street where children play,
And wish me good evening and hello!
I have friends on the same street, and one a few streets away.
I have a proper house now -
Visitors come and go, frequently.
Some to stay a few minutes, some hours, some a night, some a week!
Point is, the mojo in the home is good.
Literally from the day I moved in,
It's been filled with laughter and visits from friends and family.
And children...who make me laugh and dance and keep me smiling.

I got to travel, less than in years before, but still managed two trips abroad.
One to a country I'd never visited before, a bucket-list place!
And it wasn't a solo trip, but one taken with a cousin.
A young man who I fed in his high chair and played with as a tot.
We were suddenly sitting across from each other, drinking beer and cocktails!
I am so grateful for the gift that the trip was - for his company,
For his affection, for his willingness to travel with a cousin so much older.
We had a great time together - discovered we're really good travel companions!
My other trip of the year reunited me with friends from San Diego.
It was just a day n night that we spent together, but it meant so much.
I made a few trips within the country, closer to home.
And finally got to celebrate Xmas with mass and carols and such.

The presence and importance of my friends has remained a constant,
Though not always the very same friends!
This year has seen some people who were once very important in my social circle,
Almost completely disappear.
And a few others take prominence.
It's amazing that way,
How people can fade or illuminate in one's mind and life!

I also fell, quite hard, for a friend.
Something I've written about in detail already.
I still miss him.
He comes to mind at the most random of times and it actually hurts.
And while I know that nothing could have ever come of it,
I have been unable to shake the emotion - can't quite fall out of love with him!
He's far away now, clueless as to how I feel,
Has once again dropped out of touch with the gang, not returning any of our calls.
So it's both silly and foolish of me to keep the flame burning,
But I just can't seem to banish him from those recesses of my mind!
Even though there's a new man in my life.

After a break of two years, I decided to set my toe in the dating pond again.
Realizing it was time to stop complaining about being sans romantic attachment,
And put myself out there again and see if I had better luck than in the past.
Having been burned, scarred and completely disillusioned by the matrimonial sites,
I went a slightly different route - an app on my phone, that used social media and common friends as a matching factor.
I was also, perhaps more so than previously, very clear with myself about what I wanted and upfront with the guys too.
I am no longer grateful that some guy's giving me attention,
No longer desperate and accepting of every date and person,
But rather, have been discerning.
Making sure my criteria are fulfilled.
Respect, mutual interest, not feeling less or burdened by being with the person.
I don't want to be with a man who makes me feel bad about myself,
Or keeps me guessing as to whether he is into me, or not.
I know what I don't want:
Not looking for one night stands, or casual sex.
Not looking for marriage and happily ever after, either (from a dating app, really?!)
What I wanted was companionship, consistency, constancy and commitment.
In other words, I wanted someone to be my guy, and stick around.
Someone who wouldn't keep me dangling and play around.
Or disappear after a few weeks.
That still happened, off the app.
A couple good dates, then disappearance.
Apart from fobbing off the 'I only have one thing on my mind types',
And the 'you're nice but the chemistry is zero types'.
I had high hopes for one guy - we had a fantastic date and chemistry.
But he did the I'm too busy/doesn't reply to messages/break a date thing.
And rather than ignore the warning signs, for once,
I immediately moved to the next guy.
And now, three months later,
He's stuck around!
We just brought in the new year together,
At his home with his parents and daughter and a couple friends.

I would never have believed I would be here.
With so many things having fallen into place.
With a measure of contentment, happiness and comfort in my life.
It's been a very long time coming,
With everything coalesced.
I am immensely grateful for it.
Sure there are still issues,
With the job/career and the man, our relationship.
I pray they will get worked out and figured out.
But as I said to my aunt who called from CA,
Telling her about the man.
I decided to go for what's in front of me,
In the here and now.
Rather than hold out for a romantic hero who's not likely to come!
Take the happiness and affection and attention.
Rather than reject it or forgo it in the hope of some maybe romance,
Or offer of marriage in the future.
Better to have a steady guy.
Who is clear and upfront,
And if anything, too honest!
Who doesn't disappear and is consistent.
Even if he doesn't want to label us or get married or have a grand love.
It's all good - I needed a bit of romance,
The comfort of a steady someone in my life,
Which I am getting.
There's still one aspect that is awry between us,
But one hopes it will smoothen out.

I also want this to be the year I finally lose a significant amount of weight.
More than the yo-yo 10 pounds I've done for years.
I am actually okay with being overweight and a big girl,
But not with my current state.
And that means a lot of work, effort and willpower.
It is an intimidating figure and task,
But I sure want to have it happen.

My back gave out, and really badly, as the year closed.
A torturous couple weeks, it was!
And I am still in some pain and recovering slowly.
Reminded me of a few years ago when I ended the year,
With horrific tooth pain, and on antibiotics and painkillers.
But apart from that, it has been a good year.
I began it with therapy;
Went to sessions for a few months.
Got the clarity and counseling I needed.
My relationship with my parents has improved as a result.
And I truly believe the reason I can be in a relationship now,
Is because I am finally content and at peace.
If you're constantly angry and restless,
And hating yourself, how can you expect someone else to like you?
Much less want to be with you?
I have learned to love myself.
To forgive myself.
To not chastise myself too much.
To accept and work on my flaws.

So, I welcome 2015 with open arms, mind and heart.
The love and company of friends,
The knowledge that I will see two of my favorite people from CA this year.
The comfort of having a man in my life.

So, hello 2015.
Please be kind,
At least as kind at 2014 was!