Off-Kilter
I'm feeling off-balance.
And there are of course, plenty of reasons.
Thesis not getting written tops that list.
The ever present fear of leaving,
Going back to the home-country.
Leaving my adopted country after so long,
All factor in.
But, those are constants.
I gave notice to my landlord.
Have told everyone I'm leaving in April.
So yeah, the pressure's on.
But this feeling I'm unable to shake,
Is concentrated on my love life.
A relationship that means everything,
A person who's slowly become the center of my world.
Why then, am I feeling soo, well, something.
Not happy or good or positive,
The last few days.
Even though I cannot pinpoint,
What is causing it or how to fix it.
It helps not when he says stuff that bothers me.
In the name of honesty and full disclosure,
I do tend to get my feelings hurt.
Or end up being worried rather than reassured.
When he says he thinks he is not good enough,
His associations and ties leave him unsure,
Of his eligibility to be a husband.
Questioning his right to bind his lot with mine.
I figured my love and affection would help him realize,
That indeed, he is amazing and deserves happiness.
That we should work towards a life together.
We're friends too, aside from romantic partners.
There's support and companionship to be gained.
How do I make him see this?
What more can I possibly do or say,
To reassure him of my love and fidelity?
To make him see that my happiness is
Inexorably bound with his own now.
I wonder at times, though...
Will the fierce loyalty he shows to some,
Transfer to me as well?
Will I ever become as important as certain others?
Are there always going to be comparisons to the past?
With the women that came before?
To the life he planned that never materialized?
Do his past disappointments, insecurities, mistreatment...
Make it hard for him to just accept us and what we have?
Dunno, dunno, dunno...
Feeling more distant and less composed,
Trying to neither cry nor fight.
Maintain the semblance of a front when we talk...
And hope this phase passes,
Without becoming a *thing* between us.
I don't want to argue or fight,
Engage in recriminations and explanations.
I just want the angst to lift.
