A little something

12 Years ago I met a 30 year old man and fell for him.

We’re not talking love at first sight or some major attraction.

We’re talking of two people who hit it off like a house on fire and who could never get enough of each other’s company.
Despite living in 2 different cities, albeit same state, we talked on the phone or chatted online and tried to meet up every couple months.

Long drives to visit friends in another state, weekends spent goofing off at the mall, random movies, 2am grocery shopping, sharing past romance stories, future hopes n dreams, and a whole lotta love and affection.

We never, ever became more than the bestest of friends, more so because he came from a family which would not have accepted a girl like me – a half breed, not of their community, etc.
With some people and relationships, having them be in your life, always, supersedes romance. 

This week marked the anniversary of our first meeting and the immediate friendship that ensued.
As with every year, since it also marks our common friends' wedding anniversary, I wish him and we have a little laugh and sigh over the passage of time.
We live on two different continents now, and ever since he got married, the equation obviously changed.
But my love for him will never lessen.The first time I saw him with his young daughter, my eyes automatically filled.
I had waited many years to see him with a kid of his own - he loves children as much as I do and that tug on my heartstrings, seeing daddy and daughter, is indescribable.

12 Years on, I just got cozy with another 30 year old.

Only now I’m the older one - nearly four years older–  not the chirpy 22 year old of yore!

This one I’ve known for the last 6 or so months, and I never, ever expected anything to happen.
I considered the prospect and rejected it immediately.
We hit it off immediately, once our common friend group brought us together.
We talk a lot and enjoy similar things.
But he is a friend of the group - dangerous ground, that, I figured.
Especially since I am the late entrant in the circle of college mates.
And he's 30. Young, not sure what he wants from life, still figuring himself out.

For another, his parents expect him to marry a gal of their choosing, within a stringent set of parameters.
So this wasn't someone a casual hookup or a long term relationship could happen with.

So, I meet him either with our common group of friends or when I visit his town.
It’s not been frequent or anything.
And every time one of our mutual friends teases me about him,

I brush it off.
I have always said one can be friends with the opposite sex, no sexual stuff need get in the way.

I figured, that like the rest of the fellas in the group, he saw me purely as one of the dudes.
Even though he's known me the shortest amount of time, and yes, there has been a little spark that I've never had with any of the other guys in the group.

Then, last weekend something changed.

I was in his town, and we hung out at his place - I basically invited myself over, no ulterior motives in the least!
We stayed up all night talking and watching movies and just being happy in each other’s company.

Somewhere in the course of that evening, it felt like he suddenly *noticed* me.

It was all innocent enough – talk of exes, talk of our personal philosophy on life – pretty typical sleepover conversation.

But over the course of a movie which had rather a lot of making out, you could feel the energy change…for us both, there was a palpable awareness of the *other*

He even made a flippant comment – you want to do that?

My reaction was so "duh", he said just kidding and that was that.

Until the next morning – when we’d stayed up all night and ended up snuggled together on the couch.

Then a little something more happened – and it seemed so natural.
We continued talking and laughing and just being.
It was a hangout and makeout and the best of both!

It was feeling good and happy and for us both, enjoying intimacy and touching someone with intent, if you will, after a long while.

Obviously I’ve been thinking of him, and apparently vice-versa.

A few messages back n forth confirmed that!

There’s no awkwardness, thankfully.

And I am left wanting more, more of his company and his kisses.

I’ve had a pretty goofy grin on my face this week, and I’ve got that pleasantly unpleasant knot in my stomach.

I am trying to just enjoy the feeling.

I know I am good company and I'm fun.
And sure I've had my share of guys find me desirable.
But after just one more string of broken promises,
From yet another guy who swore he was genuine and in it for the long haul,
I gave up on dating and trying to find a guy in a romantic way.
I don't want to feel like shyte every time some guy decides I'm not good enough.
But I miss cuddling, kissing, some element of chemistry and romance. 

Which is not something you get when you hang with your friends, no matter how dear and lovely they are!

So at the moment, this seems to be the best of both worlds.

No expectations, nothing that will make it messy or complex.
When it doesn't need to be so.
This ain't love or lust or a bombshell.
The boundaries are there, its for us to make the best of it within that.

It was tender and fun and I want it to continue - I've missed this.
I like that there's no looming "where is this going"...
Having not met on a dating or marriage website, having not been set up or introduced as potential dates, but rather as friends, it is a non stressful dynamic for me. 
Makes it easy and allows me to focus on the affection.

That’s my “brief” and I’m sticking to it!

He comes into town quite a bit, but he has people a-plenty and parents to answer to.
And I don't get to his town much anymore-I was there after 3 months last weekend!
Let’s hope the lure is strong enough to have him pay me a visit when he is in town.
He is not coming in this weekend, after planning on it.
Dependably undependable, as always!
In a way I am glad - it gives me a chance to maintain balance.
Two weekends in a row might have been too much.
But I admit to being a tad disappointed not to see him.
And oh his complete lack of flirting ability!
My one message of that nature fell flat.
Ah well, not everyone can be a consummate flirt, I suppose :P

And crazy as it sounds, I’m actually looking forward to seeing if there is going to be tension between us, when we are around the gang!
Secrets can do that but they can be fun too...

As a postscript: it ended up as a one time affair, since he went back to the land of plenty, within a few weeks of this. A late night call from the airport to say bye was all any of us got!