In love with a friend
I spend some of the time-wasting moments at work on sites like Thought Catalog and HelloGiggles. Ya know, reading all sorts of randomness. But as a personal realization sunk in recently, I have half jokingly, half seriously been contemplating a post of my own along the lines of the kinds you read on there: "How I fell in love with a friend and didn't know" or "It took me six months to realize I was in love with a guy friend" - you get the drift. Ironic really, that I, who am generally self aware and if nothing else, very "talky", was completely blindsided by this realization. At the age of 34 at that! The last time I was smacked in the face with this situation, I was half my age, 17. This one too, like that one, grew out of friendship and many months of association. The sparks were subtle this time, but present. But I firmly quashed any such thoughts and resisted the teasing of a common friend and the questioning of my mother, because I, as pretty much always, am too scared to instill anything more into a friendship.
And given the self-doubt and lack of confidence and overall vulnerability I am susceptible to in this aspect of my life (aka romance) I left it alone. It's easier to assume it is one sided, all in my head, and pretend it doesn't exist, until and unless the other person makes a move or expression of interest. Not that my previous two friendships who became more and then relegated me to FWB status or worse, ever amounted to anything. (Get my reasoning behind staying the hell away from such entanglements?!) Anywho, this man n I had our moment, and then he promptly flew to farther shores - to my adopted country! And so I told myself, yet again, that it wasn't ever meant to be, one night of making out was just that, etc. It tugged at my heartstrings every time one of our common friends brought him up in conversation, and when one of them actually met him and came back with stories, it was all I could do to keep a level expression. I would find myself thinking of him at odd moments, and realized that I really was missing the random texts and laughs shared, which were never flirtatious, just fun, but didn't read more into it.
Then a few weeks ago, he called a friend when we were out together, and said friend, despite my vehement head shakes to the contrary, handed off the phone to me. Hearing that voice on the other end, and just having a few minutes of conversation, made me realize just how MUCH I was missing the man. I let him do the bulk of the talking and explaining as to his silence, and as quickly as was polite and wouldn't raise suspicions, I handed the phone back, literally cutting the man off mid sentence. Really, there was only so much a gal could take, caught unawares on a tiring Monday night! I got on WhatsApp to unburden myself to the bestie and say the call churned me up, and she came back with a response that took my breath away: "Coz you're in love with him?" That is when the realization hit like a ton of bricks - yup, I was at that!
The next day I got a call, from that faraway land - on his birthday - I was the person he was speaking to as it dawned, before he headed off to bed. A few minutes into the convo, I said "I'm not sure I'm allowed to say this, but I miss you". Rather than a laugh or a brush off or plain silence, (any of which I was prepared for), pat came the response: "I miss you too - I think of you, every day". And then we moved on to safer ground, talking of our lives and what all had passed in the five months since we last spoke. Everything that is, but our romantic lives/escapades. Not that I'd had any, but I was just trying a new dating app and making myself move on, 'cause every remotely romantic/intimate thought had only brought him to mind these so many months. Irony, his timing to reappear - just when I was getting back to dating, meeting others! After I had basically pushed him to a far corner of my mind, along with that one night we spent in a not so innocent way. But the futility remains, and has been amplified by distance now. And I know he will not go against convention for his mate and his keeping in touch in fits and spurts tells me that the feelings from his side don't run deep as they've ended up doing from my side. Unintentionally - but then, can one plan falling in love?!
My friend's matter of fact pointing out that the feelings I had were love was both a smack in the face and a happy moment. Didn't realize I still had what it took to fall in love! The last such endeavor was such a disaster, I haven't gone that far again, with anyone. Plus the same issues that kept me from doing anything about the vague potential between us, in the last year, remain: age difference, his parents' wanting him to marry a gal of their choosing, from their community, whether he would even be interested in getting in a relationship with the likes of me (doubtful - he might 'like' me, but I am not marriageable to his family, and he wants to find a wife, while I would be fine just being together, and really what, we spent one night together and get along like a house on fire overall - does that qualify us to become an item?). But like I said, at least I know I'm still capable of such tender feelings. It makes me happy to hear his voice and fall back into that groove of random and comfortable and sometimes serious, sometimes silly, conversation. It happened again that we spoke for a few minutes, and rather than a tug and pull, it just made me smile - those 5 short minutes of our weird banter, and I was good. Don't know if that is called love or maturity or just plain acceptance - there are things that just are: beyond our control, unchangeable; rather than fight or feel sad, I'd rather just enjoy the association on whatever terms are safe!
One of the fellas in the gang told me he suspected, nay knew there was "something going on." We were out and got very drunk together, and he said he had forced the phone in my hand that night (yes, same friend) because he wanted us to connect and he's known for months there was something. Y'all get along too well and have conversations the rest of us don't get, he said. I confessed that night that yes, I was in love with the man, but that given his family I have no hopes whatsoever nor did I know how the man himself felt about me, and am going on with my life. He did agree that the parentals would be an issue, but he also said he can't think of anything better than the two of us getting together. That, honestly, was nice to hear.
And given the self-doubt and lack of confidence and overall vulnerability I am susceptible to in this aspect of my life (aka romance) I left it alone. It's easier to assume it is one sided, all in my head, and pretend it doesn't exist, until and unless the other person makes a move or expression of interest. Not that my previous two friendships who became more and then relegated me to FWB status or worse, ever amounted to anything. (Get my reasoning behind staying the hell away from such entanglements?!) Anywho, this man n I had our moment, and then he promptly flew to farther shores - to my adopted country! And so I told myself, yet again, that it wasn't ever meant to be, one night of making out was just that, etc. It tugged at my heartstrings every time one of our common friends brought him up in conversation, and when one of them actually met him and came back with stories, it was all I could do to keep a level expression. I would find myself thinking of him at odd moments, and realized that I really was missing the random texts and laughs shared, which were never flirtatious, just fun, but didn't read more into it.
Then a few weeks ago, he called a friend when we were out together, and said friend, despite my vehement head shakes to the contrary, handed off the phone to me. Hearing that voice on the other end, and just having a few minutes of conversation, made me realize just how MUCH I was missing the man. I let him do the bulk of the talking and explaining as to his silence, and as quickly as was polite and wouldn't raise suspicions, I handed the phone back, literally cutting the man off mid sentence. Really, there was only so much a gal could take, caught unawares on a tiring Monday night! I got on WhatsApp to unburden myself to the bestie and say the call churned me up, and she came back with a response that took my breath away: "Coz you're in love with him?" That is when the realization hit like a ton of bricks - yup, I was at that!
The next day I got a call, from that faraway land - on his birthday - I was the person he was speaking to as it dawned, before he headed off to bed. A few minutes into the convo, I said "I'm not sure I'm allowed to say this, but I miss you". Rather than a laugh or a brush off or plain silence, (any of which I was prepared for), pat came the response: "I miss you too - I think of you, every day". And then we moved on to safer ground, talking of our lives and what all had passed in the five months since we last spoke. Everything that is, but our romantic lives/escapades. Not that I'd had any, but I was just trying a new dating app and making myself move on, 'cause every remotely romantic/intimate thought had only brought him to mind these so many months. Irony, his timing to reappear - just when I was getting back to dating, meeting others! After I had basically pushed him to a far corner of my mind, along with that one night we spent in a not so innocent way. But the futility remains, and has been amplified by distance now. And I know he will not go against convention for his mate and his keeping in touch in fits and spurts tells me that the feelings from his side don't run deep as they've ended up doing from my side. Unintentionally - but then, can one plan falling in love?!
My friend's matter of fact pointing out that the feelings I had were love was both a smack in the face and a happy moment. Didn't realize I still had what it took to fall in love! The last such endeavor was such a disaster, I haven't gone that far again, with anyone. Plus the same issues that kept me from doing anything about the vague potential between us, in the last year, remain: age difference, his parents' wanting him to marry a gal of their choosing, from their community, whether he would even be interested in getting in a relationship with the likes of me (doubtful - he might 'like' me, but I am not marriageable to his family, and he wants to find a wife, while I would be fine just being together, and really what, we spent one night together and get along like a house on fire overall - does that qualify us to become an item?). But like I said, at least I know I'm still capable of such tender feelings. It makes me happy to hear his voice and fall back into that groove of random and comfortable and sometimes serious, sometimes silly, conversation. It happened again that we spoke for a few minutes, and rather than a tug and pull, it just made me smile - those 5 short minutes of our weird banter, and I was good. Don't know if that is called love or maturity or just plain acceptance - there are things that just are: beyond our control, unchangeable; rather than fight or feel sad, I'd rather just enjoy the association on whatever terms are safe!
One of the fellas in the gang told me he suspected, nay knew there was "something going on." We were out and got very drunk together, and he said he had forced the phone in my hand that night (yes, same friend) because he wanted us to connect and he's known for months there was something. Y'all get along too well and have conversations the rest of us don't get, he said. I confessed that night that yes, I was in love with the man, but that given his family I have no hopes whatsoever nor did I know how the man himself felt about me, and am going on with my life. He did agree that the parentals would be an issue, but he also said he can't think of anything better than the two of us getting together. That, honestly, was nice to hear.
