Mood Swing Junction!

I have been on a bit of an emotional ride the last few weeks.

Not a surprise I guess, given the new man in my life...
I tend to lose my equanimity when there's a hint of romance in the air.
And this turned serious quick!
Though what one means by serious is surely up for debate!

We're "undefined" but together, not seeing other people and already at the point where we know each other's whereabouts and do check-ins a few times a day. Morning call once he's at work (I have generally already been at my desk over an hour by that point); lunched?; jokes/videos/links shared; a call or WhatsApp when he knows I should be done with work; dinner plans?; small talk of the day; and a peace out at night time.

His initiation, not mine; I'm just following his lead...am not really used to letting someone know where I am and what I'm up to.
Thanks to doing only long distance in serious relationships, where the time difference curtailed such detail.
I'm learning to say not going to be available cause of meeting when there's one or if I've got plans.

I went over on his birthday, a family event. Went dutifully along to a temple - and was around as part of the low key celebrations - he wanted me there, I was. As simple as that.

We've seen each other every single weekend since we met, sometimes all three nights even!
Sometimes alone, sometimes with the little one; this past weekend, with my friends group.
If we lived closer we'd see each other during the week too, but traffic + distance are a great divide.

So, all good, right, all well?
Then why is it that I am feeling so emotional?
Is it that I don't know to just accept the happiness that comes my way and not think too much?
Is it the fact that despite all this hanging out and affection, there is an issue?
One that we both know exists, have discussed and decided to give time to.
If it doesn't get resolved, I really don't know what I will do.
It worries me, freaks me out, and otherwise disquiets what should be a happy time.

It also didn't help that my mom brought up some points on her recent passing through town.
Things like, why am I closing myself to the option of marriage?
That marriage will add a dimension to my character, will round out my personality.
That there's a certain something to be gained by getting married in one's 30s.
That being with someone who isn't looking to get married is a disservice to myself.
She also said, and this is what really got to me,
That without that piece of paper/commitment,
What would be my motivation to stay and work things out,
When issues arise?

And issues - they always arise!
I have a tendency to get bored easily.
But I don't give up on people easily,
Nor do I walk away without trying my level best.
So, I shouldn't/needn't worry about this, right?
Right??


I don't know what's up with me at the moment.
I only know this.
I am feeling sad, I am feeling weepy,
I am feeling ugly and unappealing,
I am feeling totally discombobulated!

And I am in an extremely acquisitive mood.
Been shopping with abandon,
And finding myself purchasing stuff just because
"I want"
Which is completely not my usual mode.
Am I substituting shopping for that which is missing between us, I wonder?!
I sure hope not :P
But it definitely points to something not being alright.
Here's to it all working out, and sooner rather than later.
For this much, I do know.
My life is better with him in it.

The Witness

Crisp, White, Cotton Shirt.
Starched, Buttoned Collar.
Red Rose peeking from Grey breastpocket.

Smooth, Satin, Sheath dress.
Light, Pale, Creamy.
The Color of the Winter sky.

So clad, Stand before me Two.
Serious yet Smiling.
Bewildered yet Beguiling.

Tremulously happy,
Nerves on end,
Firm in their Resolve.

Two court clerks, on their lunch break,
Stand Witness to this maginificent Moment.
Looking bored, uninvolved.

Curiosity makes me Wonder
As they stand before me,
At the lack of Pomp, Circumstance.

No Gaggle of Giggling Bridesmaids,
No Inebriated, Insouciant Groomsmen,
No family members surround this couple.

Why am I here?
In this stuffy room,
On the sixth floor of town hall.

Joining them as One,
Getting to do the Honors.
The Answer lies, I know.

In her Teary Smile,
His Reassuring Squeeze of her Waist.
As they Walk Out.

To Face the World,
To Proclaim Themselves,
Lawfully One...

(2002)

This post was inspired by my parents and my uncle and his wife, two inter-religious couples who got married without parental approval and in civil ceremonies, attended by just a handful of friends/family. I admire both couples for that bold move, in the 70s and early 80s. Religion has never, ever been a source of conflict in either household, and my cousin and I have been brought up to do our own thing. For that, I am forever grateful.

Parting

"But I don't want you to go"
Big, sad brown eyes look at me,
As a pouty mouth exclaims those words.

I sigh, we've been through this before.
Not that it ever seems to get easier.
You'd think it would, the seventh time around!

Its a lesson worth remembering...
Practice maketh not perfect,
And repetition maketh not easier.

When you love someone so very much
And they love you back with such sweet intensity,
It hurts as much every time you say goodbye.

'Handsome', 'Baby', 'Monster',
Just some of the endearments he answers to.
One day soon though, that'll come to an end.

"Call me by my name", he will command.
And that is when I'll realize, regretfully,
That my favorite little boy is all grown up.

Still, until that day comes along
I'm making the most of every hug, kiss, question
Smiling in anticipation, of my next visit.

Some of the lighter stuff I've written, this one is also from 2002. The little monster in question is now a college boy, and probably has no recollection of such things. But I will never forget the love and affection of that sweet, darling little boy, who, though my cousin, being 17 years younger was more like my kid! It would take no more than a phone call to him, to hear his high bubbly voice on the other end, shrill with the excitement of having "Cousin Zany" on the other end of the line, to rectify any unhappiness or homesickness the day had brought.

Remembrance

I remember being scared.
I remember being excited.
I remember sweaty palms.
Memories of my first kiss...

I remember being thirteen.
I remember feeling that was mature!
I remember the thrill of that moment.
Looking back, I realize my memory’s a gift...

I remember the moment, the place, the boy.
I remember him well, boy, do I!
I remember how much he meant to me.
Recollections of first love, or was love, lust?
(2002)

My Masks

I wear not one, but many
Masks that protect me and shelter me.
Hide and disguise me,
From this big, and I’ve been told--Bad World.

My Mask is a necessary evil.
It is a robe that allows me to be “proper” and“harmonious”with those in this world.
And yet, it allows me moments to myself.
And a chance to retain my individuality.

There may be a smile on my lips,
But an ache in my heart.
No one need know,I have my blessed Mask.

Turmoil rages within me.
Anger has a place there too.
But, my cherished Mask allows me
To keep the face I show the world--Serene.

At first, I mocked
When told I needed a Mask.
But learnt the hard way
That frankness and honesty are but foes.

Alas,Total trust I dare not give anymore.
It brings me but pain and anguish.
Along with a wish………
That I had been wiser in my ways.

Now,I know.I survive.
By wearing my Masks,
And showing a different face.

(1995)

A poem I wrote at the age of 15, at 'gun point', when I was participating in some inter-school competition and was left with the poetry writing section when my classmate took prose - a task I had never undertaken until that point! This was with all the emotion and hurt a teenager had to muster. Today, at almost 35, I don't go in for masks anymore - I've finally come to a point where I try to just be, and if people don't care for it, they can go on their merry way. Still, wanted to share the piece.