What happened?

There are some moments in life when one regresses to needing nothing more than the sound of mom's voice and the comfort of her arms.
For almost half my life, I have been too far away to get the latter part of that comfort.
But have always been able to just call and hear that voice-when I feel like my world is crumbling,
For whatever reason, big or small.
Ever since my return to India this year,
I find this solace harder to come by.

Twice its happened now,
That in pain and just with that little girl's need for her mama,
I have ended up feeling worse and even less good about myself than before I picked up that phone.
Guess the little girl wanting her mother thing will never go away,
At the essence and core of my being.
Why is it that I end up more upset, in tears, and feeling like shyte after I talk to her?
What happened?

Where is her empathy?
Her ability to just listen and be supportive?
Why is everything a lecture with her now?
Why does she first point out my flaws, my shortcomings, my mistakes?
YES I AGREE I HAVE PLENTY.
I am well aware of just how much I have screwed up my life.
And that every recent attempt to get cheerful or find happiness,
Has gone rather spectacularly awry.
So then, what I need is a gentle hand.
Not a sledgehammer followed by words of comfort!

Why can't she be like before?
The same woman who used to know when I needed her,
More often than not before I had even realized it myself?
The same woman who called and asked me, a decade ago,
If she could attend my ex's wedding or if it would bother me.
The same woman who cried with me when I was having relationship and living issues early this year?

My pillar is just too far away now...the one person who always is there for me, unconditionally.
Who has counseled and listened through all my misadventures and adventures.
Without whom I cannot contemplate an existence.
The time difference is deadly and somehow, its never convenient to call when I most need it most...
Too late, too early, too something.
So then, when I have my mother here, just a couple hours ride away, and a simple phone call away,
Why is she not actually there for me?

I must have done something very very bad.
For life has just been throwing one curve ball after another my way this year.
And I am quickly reaching the end of my tether.
This being the last evening of the last day of the year,
I can only hope things improve in 2012.
I need to leave behind the regrets,
the pain, the anger, the anguish.
And try to find some peace and equilibrium.
Because I know that, strong and independent as I try to be,
I am now very close to the precipice.
And should I fall, I am not sure I can or even want to, try to climb back up...

Birthday Blues

Generally, I LOVE my birthday!
I can count, on one hand, the birthdays where I've felt less than great.
16, 18, 25...and now, 32.
This year I had a real hard time.
Not feeling ‘it’ as I usually do.
Not as an age or stage related thing.
Just, plain and simple, being away from my friends and family in the US.
Trying hard to not focus on how different it would have been,
Had I still been in San Diego.

The few people locally I had and wanted to be with,
That did not turn out as hoped either.
My parents came to town.
First birthday with all three of us together,
Since my 18th.
Not so fun-we fought and ended up in bad moods.
The brand new man in my life...
Well, he forgot, totally and completely.
Not because of callousness,
But rather due to being overworked and stressed.
But it did make me sad-I woulda liked to see him.
Six/seven weeks is a short time, yes.
But we are dating, and a birthday wish and hug would have helped me feel cheerier.
I was not expecting flowers or a gift,
Nor anything showy or extravagant.
But having him not remember,
And being too busy to make up for it at a later date.
That kind of sucks.

Still, the part I enjoy best about my birthday,
Hearing from loved ones, did not change…
My lovely people called or sent me messages.
My best friend's dad called me,
That was super special.
He was out of town,
Made the effort to get my number and call.
Usually he would come on the line if he was home,
And not traveling.
But this year, I guess with me being in the country,
He made the call himself-and I deeply appreciated the gesture, more than he could possibly know.

And my friends and family abroad called or sent messages.
Speaking to my grandparents and my aunt,
Talking to her husband, and son, and yes, the family cat,
All made me happy.
Hearing from my uncle and his wife was the hardest call for me.
I don't know why...when they were here, in May and July respectively this year,
I found myself in tears saying goodbye to them.
And that same melancholy came over me when they called on my birthday too.
I think its a certain concern for me that I hear in both their voices...the caring and affection, that does me in each time.
After hanging up from them, I went and had a good cry.
But that gloominess and feeling of unrest,
Is yet to leave me,
Two weeks later...

My co-worker caught me with tears running down my face,
At work the other day.
I could not really explain WHY I was crying,
There was no trigger as such.
Just deep sadness and a sense of homesickness.
Its time it stopped-I have been out of sorts for a little too long at one stretch.
But this time, its taking forever.
These birthday blues,
They better end, and soon!

Kapil Sibal is an Idiot

I used to be very vocal about my opinions. I used to itch to tell the world what I think. But the last year or so has taught me, through personal experience, what it means to be jaded. So when I heard on the news that Kapil Sibal wants to censor what residents of India say online, I obviously did, nothing. Nothing perceptible to others, anyway. I probably thought about how presumptuous and foolish this man was, and promptly forgot all about it. Stupid politicians are not really that much of a surprise to me anymore. But then, I read this article.

Reading it made me realise two things: Firstly, I need to start getting outraged again. Outraged enough to tell the whole world about my outrage. And secondly, it is not pointless. I know that now, because the outrage of the writer of that article actually got me to do something I haven't done in a long time - write about what I think. On the internet. Where the whole wide world can see what I wrote if only they choose to (and can get online, of course). It's an awesome power, this ability to share with the world in an instant. Forget the world, it's an awesome power to be able to share thoughts, and information, with all the people you know - and maybe some you don't - with the click of a mouse button. It's a power - and, I believe, a right - that each one of us has. And as the last year has shown us so brilliantly, if we use it well, we can even change the course of history, and do so more quickly than ever before.

My words here are, of course, not that ambitious, and might never be - but it's important that I am able to say them. Freedom of expression, whether online or offline, is as basic a right - a need, even - as the air we breathe. And nobody has the right to take that away from me. Anyone who thinks otherwise, IMHO, is an idiot. If you disagree, feel free to say so. :)