When the shoe is on the other foot

 In a strange and twilight zone like year,

There have been many ups n downs for every single one of us. 

The year began with a huge loss for our family.

There were a multitude of bumps in the first few months.

And now as we are in the last month of this year,

A really bad decision is staring me down.

 

I am not successful at a whole lot.

Rather the kind who floats along,

Taking things as they come.

But one thing I have always been,

And prided myself on being,

Is a good, really good friend.

I value my friends and close friendships above all else.

Friendships have eroded or ended in my life.

I have mostly been on the receiving end of the hurt.

 

For possibly the first time,

It is I who have done the other wrong, 

Of judgment, of thought, of action - or rather inaction.

And that has made me be the cause of hurt to one of my closest friends.

Someone I respect, admire, love and who has been a pillar of support.

Steadfast, steady, strong and level headed.

I turn to her in times of happiness and sadness,

To share the big and the small.

And I have the privilege of her doing the same.

 

Now I ask, will we get back to that bond? 

We, who have never exchanged an angry word, much less had a fight.

Who have made one another family, and who know things no one else does.

The idea of not being integral in her life or having her in mine, is unthinkable.

 

It is I who have fucked up. Wholly and stupidly.

There is no excuse, no explanation, no words to make it better.

All I can do is wait for is her to work through it.

And decide that I am worth keeping around as her best friend! 

What I feel the most stupid about,

Is that it is over something that gave me no pleasure,

Rather it was awkward, to be tolerated, and I learned to compartmentalize.

Treat it as an aberration to be dealt with and not thought of beyond that.

 

In my attempt to be nice and kind to another, I lost perspective.

And in the process have broken the heart of someone more dear to me than family.

I have cried, I am mad at myself, and I am also numb.

With fear of losing her, with empathy for how she is feeling.

I feel those shards that I have placed in her heart, like they are in my own.

In the day since it happened,

There have already been a dozen or more instances,

Where I wanted to ask or tell her something.

Send her a meme or a joke or an article.

But I will stay away, as I told her I would.

Until she is ready and able to talk to me again.

Whatever action she deems fit,

I will accept and abide by.

Mea culpa, mea culpa.