"Put up or Get out"

I understand it's a question of
"Put up or Get out"
Friends say you deserve better,
You can do better.
Why settle?

One doesn't get why I let someone else be in charge,
Controlling the relationship.
(I don't see it thus - he is busier and squeezes me in whenever possible).
Another says why I am I with someone,
Where there's no future?
(her version of future means marriage and the works).
Another thinks I should keep it as just fun,
Boy toy, rather than boy friend.

Where am I in this?
I am all in, but then I am like that in every relationship, romantic or otherwise.
So *just* boy toy doesn't work for me.
And would not for him, either.
Plus, it would be hard, at this point,
To backtrack to casual,
When it has been something more for months now.
This is not about casual sex.
It's about intimacy, friendship, laughter,
And what has emerged over the months.


There are some consistent and frequent irritants.
I feel them deeply at those moments.
But, like I keep saying:
It is what it is,
And the good continues to outweigh the bad!

Is that why I stay?
Or is it that I fear I cannot do better?
Or don't even deserve better?

You know, I don't know!
I am laying my soul bare here.

Here's why I am still in this:
1) In over 2 decades of dating, I've never done better (decent, good looking, good heart, consistent).
2)  This is the happiest romance I have ever had.
3)  The sex (yes, I said it) is fantastic.
4)  Longest face to face adult relationship.
5) I don't need or want this to lead to marriage or forever after - his family dynamics are not appealing, the way they are now. And I am as far from their idea of a mate for him as is possible.
6) I may not be the gal one takes home to meet mom n dad, or the gal one marries. I may well be the woman you have a great time with, love, enjoy, find fascinating and beautiful but not wife-material.
7) My mixed parentage, liberal views and lifestyle, and years spent in the US make me "different" and thus possibly too quirky.
8) I see that there will be no progression here - it's not going anywhere in forever's direction. The fact that we come back to the same point (my complaints, included) prove that. This is a good time, one that has been going on many months, longer than either of us anticipated. And there is a wealth of affection, care and trust too.
9) I like the comfort of having the same person - to date, in my bed, to hang with. Dating can be exhausting and unnerving and numbing. I am happy enough with him and there is nothing so wrong that I should walk, despite the sometimes one-sidedness.
10) There is compatibility and matching in many ways - we are emotionally and physically connected, very well. But intellectually, I accept I am not stimulated. And because it is at the level it is at, I am okay with it. Could I be with someone like that long-term, when I am 50 or more? I really dunno! He's smart and sweet, but not a deep thinker or with the kind of diverse interests and conversation that I have. Which is really, just fine! But the well matched, long married couples I have seen - connect on all levels.

So, I think the way it stands now, it is about wanting someone in my life. I got into this entire dating exercise looking for companionship, affection and something that lasted more than a few weeks. Win, on all counts. Yes, I give more than I get (but then, that's my choice, I am aware and eyes wide open about that). I have issues with certain behaviors, I realize they aren't going to change, and right now, I CHOOSE to put up. The only getting on his terms, his repeated proclamations of have no expectations of me, and the waffling of yes/no about meeting up or going someplace, get to me now and again. So, I still will need to kvetch, to complain, to whine - to let the irritation and hurt out, when it occurs. That too, I see and accept.

I don't see any fixes or solutions, nor am I asking for that. I just need to let the steam out. Because at the end of the day, I am happier with him in my life, and he has brought enough good and a lot of fun. I see what the issues and flaws are, and I know this relationship has an end date as a romance - either one of us will get bored, or fall for someone else, or find a more "permanent" situation. Until then, it is what it is, and I for one, am good with that.