Ow

I hurt right now,
And yet, I feel relief.
But I also wonder if I did the right thing.
Maybe I should have stuck it out?
I miss you already - the comfort of you.

Downgrading us to friends,
Which I did recently,
Removes the canopy from me -
The idea of you being 'my' guy,
In my corner.
However dysfunctional it was,
I felt a right over you and your time,
A right to complain, throw tantrums,
Share good, bad and indifferent.
I have now taken that right away from myself.

Things are not going to be too different for you,
Except probably the relief of not hiding,
Or trying to cater to my wants and needs.
As you reiterated yet again,
You just can't handle or act like my boyfriend.
And in that case, what's left is friends,
For I know no other alternative.

I cannot say get lost and I won't see you again.
You meant something to me,
And I enjoy talking to you,
Hanging out with you,
Being around you.
And I adore the little one.
You mentioned that you were most afraid
Of my calling things off,
And how that would deprive her of my influence,
And presence in her life,
Even more than what it meant for you.
But call "it" off I had to.
I asked you this weeks ago,
And you vehemently said no!
There's no break-up,
That's not an option.
But then, you still couldn't bring yourself to deliver.
So much as it hurts, I had to make that call.

Don't worry - I am not running away,
Though yes, you won't be my priority anymore.
And when I start dating again,
You will necessarily and naturally get even less of me.
But for the here and now,
I still find a comfort/familiarity in your voice,
In our phone conversations...

And for the 3 months we were together,
Albeit the writing was on the wall even by week 6,
We still did have a something.
Small, Big, Odd, Off-kilter.
You made me  feel special.
I really did think we would last.
But slowly, you talked and acted different.
Regressing, recanting, reviewing,
Going back on everything you promised and said early on.
To the point where even my most hopeful self had to see the truth.
You are taking and taking,
But unable to give anything tangible in return.

You took the blame on yourself,
Saying it was definitely not me that was the problem,
But yourself.
I thank you for that - it would have been all too easy to make me at fault,
Throw around stuff.
You are an honest person.
Sadly, highly confused and completely lacking clarity, too.
I think I cried, as did you,
For what could have been,
Rather than what actually was.
The potential was so vivid,
The thoughts so in sync,
Back in October.
But then things slowly started to unravel.
And come January,
I was drowning,
As were you,
In discomfort and unmet expectations.
We brought in the new year together,
And I think the truth was for me to see,
On the 1st itself - I just ignored it!

I was never in love with you,
Nor you with me.
But we cared.
Still care, for that matter.
Just not are not in sync in the manner of its display.
I hoped for a romantic partnership.
You just wanted comfort and someone to talk to.
Though you thought you wanted the entire deal,
You just could not give.
So, we downgrade to friends,
And I will go back to dating again.