Taking Account
So, everywhere I turn,
People are taking stock of the year that was.
2014 on its last legs - the last day of the last month of the year.
I was super tempted to do the "My Year in Review" type thing,
On the social media sites - FB especially,
What with everyone posting end of year memories/photos/messages.
But I desisted.
I did one mushy type post last month, for Thanksgiving.
Enough publicity, methinks.
Plus I want to really be able to ponder my year.
It's been a good one, yes.
But there are things to reflect on,
Some of it intimate -
I can't talk about having fallen in love, on FB!
Not without raising myriad questions from oh so many.
The year began with a new job.
Small company, with me focusing on writing as a career.
I was scared - would I be able to do it?
It was a very quiet and while not unfriendly,
Rather un-inclusive atmosphere to begin with.
It took me 2 months to crack the people,
Get friendly, stop eating lunch alone.
And when it happened, it was great!
For the most part, I work with really nice folk.
The kinds with good hearts, decency, niceness.
A few have left - the ebb and flow here is high!
I miss the two gals who were my buddies.
But there are boys around who keep me going.
I moved home too - from my shyte little hole in the wall in a super conservative neighborhood,
To a still conservative but very nice place.
I literally live on a tree lined street where children play,
And wish me good evening and hello!
I have friends on the same street, and one a few streets away.
I have a proper house now -
Visitors come and go, frequently.
Some to stay a few minutes, some hours, some a night, some a week!
Point is, the mojo in the home is good.
Literally from the day I moved in,
It's been filled with laughter and visits from friends and family.
And children...who make me laugh and dance and keep me smiling.
I got to travel, less than in years before, but still managed two trips abroad.
One to a country I'd never visited before, a bucket-list place!
And it wasn't a solo trip, but one taken with a cousin.
A young man who I fed in his high chair and played with as a tot.
We were suddenly sitting across from each other, drinking beer and cocktails!
I am so grateful for the gift that the trip was - for his company,
For his affection, for his willingness to travel with a cousin so much older.
We had a great time together - discovered we're really good travel companions!
My other trip of the year reunited me with friends from San Diego.
It was just a day n night that we spent together, but it meant so much.
I made a few trips within the country, closer to home.
And finally got to celebrate Xmas with mass and carols and such.
The presence and importance of my friends has remained a constant,
Though not always the very same friends!
This year has seen some people who were once very important in my social circle,
Almost completely disappear.
And a few others take prominence.
It's amazing that way,
How people can fade or illuminate in one's mind and life!
I also fell, quite hard, for a friend.
Something I've written about in detail already.
I still miss him.
He comes to mind at the most random of times and it actually hurts.
And while I know that nothing could have ever come of it,
I have been unable to shake the emotion - can't quite fall out of love with him!
He's far away now, clueless as to how I feel,
Has once again dropped out of touch with the gang, not returning any of our calls.
So it's both silly and foolish of me to keep the flame burning,
But I just can't seem to banish him from those recesses of my mind!
Even though there's a new man in my life.
After a break of two years, I decided to set my toe in the dating pond again.
Realizing it was time to stop complaining about being sans romantic attachment,
And put myself out there again and see if I had better luck than in the past.
Having been burned, scarred and completely disillusioned by the matrimonial sites,
I went a slightly different route - an app on my phone, that used social media and common friends as a matching factor.
I was also, perhaps more so than previously, very clear with myself about what I wanted and upfront with the guys too.
I am no longer grateful that some guy's giving me attention,
No longer desperate and accepting of every date and person,
But rather, have been discerning.
Making sure my criteria are fulfilled.
Respect, mutual interest, not feeling less or burdened by being with the person.
I don't want to be with a man who makes me feel bad about myself,
Or keeps me guessing as to whether he is into me, or not.
I know what I don't want:
Not looking for one night stands, or casual sex.
Not looking for marriage and happily ever after, either (from a dating app, really?!)
What I wanted was companionship, consistency, constancy and commitment.
In other words, I wanted someone to be my guy, and stick around.
Someone who wouldn't keep me dangling and play around.
Or disappear after a few weeks.
That still happened, off the app.
A couple good dates, then disappearance.
Apart from fobbing off the 'I only have one thing on my mind types',
And the 'you're nice but the chemistry is zero types'.
I had high hopes for one guy - we had a fantastic date and chemistry.
But he did the I'm too busy/doesn't reply to messages/break a date thing.
And rather than ignore the warning signs, for once,
I immediately moved to the next guy.
And now, three months later,
He's stuck around!
We just brought in the new year together,
At his home with his parents and daughter and a couple friends.
I would never have believed I would be here.
With so many things having fallen into place.
With a measure of contentment, happiness and comfort in my life.
It's been a very long time coming,
With everything coalesced.
I am immensely grateful for it.
Sure there are still issues,
With the job/career and the man, our relationship.
I pray they will get worked out and figured out.
But as I said to my aunt who called from CA,
Telling her about the man.
I decided to go for what's in front of me,
In the here and now.
Rather than hold out for a romantic hero who's not likely to come!
Take the happiness and affection and attention.
Rather than reject it or forgo it in the hope of some maybe romance,
Or offer of marriage in the future.
Better to have a steady guy.
Who is clear and upfront,
And if anything, too honest!
Who doesn't disappear and is consistent.
Even if he doesn't want to label us or get married or have a grand love.
It's all good - I needed a bit of romance,
The comfort of a steady someone in my life,
Which I am getting.
There's still one aspect that is awry between us,
But one hopes it will smoothen out.
I also want this to be the year I finally lose a significant amount of weight.
More than the yo-yo 10 pounds I've done for years.
I am actually okay with being overweight and a big girl,
But not with my current state.
And that means a lot of work, effort and willpower.
It is an intimidating figure and task,
But I sure want to have it happen.
My back gave out, and really badly, as the year closed.
A torturous couple weeks, it was!
And I am still in some pain and recovering slowly.
Reminded me of a few years ago when I ended the year,
With horrific tooth pain, and on antibiotics and painkillers.
But apart from that, it has been a good year.
I began it with therapy;
Went to sessions for a few months.
Got the clarity and counseling I needed.
My relationship with my parents has improved as a result.
And I truly believe the reason I can be in a relationship now,
Is because I am finally content and at peace.
If you're constantly angry and restless,
And hating yourself, how can you expect someone else to like you?
Much less want to be with you?
I have learned to love myself.
To forgive myself.
To not chastise myself too much.
To accept and work on my flaws.
So, I welcome 2015 with open arms, mind and heart.
The love and company of friends,
The knowledge that I will see two of my favorite people from CA this year.
The comfort of having a man in my life.
So, hello 2015.
Please be kind,
At least as kind at 2014 was!
People are taking stock of the year that was.
2014 on its last legs - the last day of the last month of the year.
I was super tempted to do the "My Year in Review" type thing,
On the social media sites - FB especially,
What with everyone posting end of year memories/photos/messages.
But I desisted.
I did one mushy type post last month, for Thanksgiving.
Enough publicity, methinks.
Plus I want to really be able to ponder my year.
It's been a good one, yes.
But there are things to reflect on,
Some of it intimate -
I can't talk about having fallen in love, on FB!
Not without raising myriad questions from oh so many.
The year began with a new job.
Small company, with me focusing on writing as a career.
I was scared - would I be able to do it?
It was a very quiet and while not unfriendly,
Rather un-inclusive atmosphere to begin with.
It took me 2 months to crack the people,
Get friendly, stop eating lunch alone.
And when it happened, it was great!
For the most part, I work with really nice folk.
The kinds with good hearts, decency, niceness.
A few have left - the ebb and flow here is high!
I miss the two gals who were my buddies.
But there are boys around who keep me going.
I moved home too - from my shyte little hole in the wall in a super conservative neighborhood,
To a still conservative but very nice place.
I literally live on a tree lined street where children play,
And wish me good evening and hello!
I have friends on the same street, and one a few streets away.
I have a proper house now -
Visitors come and go, frequently.
Some to stay a few minutes, some hours, some a night, some a week!
Point is, the mojo in the home is good.
Literally from the day I moved in,
It's been filled with laughter and visits from friends and family.
And children...who make me laugh and dance and keep me smiling.
I got to travel, less than in years before, but still managed two trips abroad.
One to a country I'd never visited before, a bucket-list place!
And it wasn't a solo trip, but one taken with a cousin.
A young man who I fed in his high chair and played with as a tot.
We were suddenly sitting across from each other, drinking beer and cocktails!
I am so grateful for the gift that the trip was - for his company,
For his affection, for his willingness to travel with a cousin so much older.
We had a great time together - discovered we're really good travel companions!
My other trip of the year reunited me with friends from San Diego.
It was just a day n night that we spent together, but it meant so much.
I made a few trips within the country, closer to home.
And finally got to celebrate Xmas with mass and carols and such.
The presence and importance of my friends has remained a constant,
Though not always the very same friends!
This year has seen some people who were once very important in my social circle,
Almost completely disappear.
And a few others take prominence.
It's amazing that way,
How people can fade or illuminate in one's mind and life!
I also fell, quite hard, for a friend.
Something I've written about in detail already.
I still miss him.
He comes to mind at the most random of times and it actually hurts.
And while I know that nothing could have ever come of it,
I have been unable to shake the emotion - can't quite fall out of love with him!
He's far away now, clueless as to how I feel,
Has once again dropped out of touch with the gang, not returning any of our calls.
So it's both silly and foolish of me to keep the flame burning,
But I just can't seem to banish him from those recesses of my mind!
Even though there's a new man in my life.
After a break of two years, I decided to set my toe in the dating pond again.
Realizing it was time to stop complaining about being sans romantic attachment,
And put myself out there again and see if I had better luck than in the past.
Having been burned, scarred and completely disillusioned by the matrimonial sites,
I went a slightly different route - an app on my phone, that used social media and common friends as a matching factor.
I was also, perhaps more so than previously, very clear with myself about what I wanted and upfront with the guys too.
I am no longer grateful that some guy's giving me attention,
No longer desperate and accepting of every date and person,
But rather, have been discerning.
Making sure my criteria are fulfilled.
Respect, mutual interest, not feeling less or burdened by being with the person.
I don't want to be with a man who makes me feel bad about myself,
Or keeps me guessing as to whether he is into me, or not.
I know what I don't want:
Not looking for one night stands, or casual sex.
Not looking for marriage and happily ever after, either (from a dating app, really?!)
What I wanted was companionship, consistency, constancy and commitment.
In other words, I wanted someone to be my guy, and stick around.
Someone who wouldn't keep me dangling and play around.
Or disappear after a few weeks.
That still happened, off the app.
A couple good dates, then disappearance.
Apart from fobbing off the 'I only have one thing on my mind types',
And the 'you're nice but the chemistry is zero types'.
I had high hopes for one guy - we had a fantastic date and chemistry.
But he did the I'm too busy/doesn't reply to messages/break a date thing.
And rather than ignore the warning signs, for once,
I immediately moved to the next guy.
And now, three months later,
He's stuck around!
We just brought in the new year together,
At his home with his parents and daughter and a couple friends.
I would never have believed I would be here.
With so many things having fallen into place.
With a measure of contentment, happiness and comfort in my life.
It's been a very long time coming,
With everything coalesced.
I am immensely grateful for it.
Sure there are still issues,
With the job/career and the man, our relationship.
I pray they will get worked out and figured out.
But as I said to my aunt who called from CA,
Telling her about the man.
I decided to go for what's in front of me,
In the here and now.
Rather than hold out for a romantic hero who's not likely to come!
Take the happiness and affection and attention.
Rather than reject it or forgo it in the hope of some maybe romance,
Or offer of marriage in the future.
Better to have a steady guy.
Who is clear and upfront,
And if anything, too honest!
Who doesn't disappear and is consistent.
Even if he doesn't want to label us or get married or have a grand love.
It's all good - I needed a bit of romance,
The comfort of a steady someone in my life,
Which I am getting.
There's still one aspect that is awry between us,
But one hopes it will smoothen out.
I also want this to be the year I finally lose a significant amount of weight.
More than the yo-yo 10 pounds I've done for years.
I am actually okay with being overweight and a big girl,
But not with my current state.
And that means a lot of work, effort and willpower.
It is an intimidating figure and task,
But I sure want to have it happen.
My back gave out, and really badly, as the year closed.
A torturous couple weeks, it was!
And I am still in some pain and recovering slowly.
Reminded me of a few years ago when I ended the year,
With horrific tooth pain, and on antibiotics and painkillers.
But apart from that, it has been a good year.
I began it with therapy;
Went to sessions for a few months.
Got the clarity and counseling I needed.
My relationship with my parents has improved as a result.
And I truly believe the reason I can be in a relationship now,
Is because I am finally content and at peace.
If you're constantly angry and restless,
And hating yourself, how can you expect someone else to like you?
Much less want to be with you?
I have learned to love myself.
To forgive myself.
To not chastise myself too much.
To accept and work on my flaws.
So, I welcome 2015 with open arms, mind and heart.
The love and company of friends,
The knowledge that I will see two of my favorite people from CA this year.
The comfort of having a man in my life.
So, hello 2015.
Please be kind,
At least as kind at 2014 was!
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