Sadness

It makes me sad that my first post of 2015 is this.
Life, it really does turn on a dime, doesn't it?!
When I wrote my 2014 wrap up post, I was feeling so positive.
For the most part, 2014 was a year of gratitude and happiness.
2015 is beginning rough,
On an emotional level.

I suppose I shouldn't  be surprised.
Trouble has been brewing in the personal life.
I've been saying wait and watch,
Don't give up,
Keep trying,
Etc.

I've been feeling taken for granted by the man.
Less than two months into the relationship,
It's become mundane and work a day.
There is no spark anymore, not even affection.
An obligatory hug/kiss goodbye is not enough.
Not this soon, especially when that's the only intimacy happening!

I don't need or expect grand gestures and romantic words.
But I expect to get at least near what I am investing,
Giving of myself emotionally.
I am the sounding board.
And the one who deals with the bad mood.
The work stresses and issues are discussed,
The little one's school, future, moods.
And it makes me happy to be involved thus.

However, and this is where the change is seen of recent,
When I talk or share or need,
I find nothing forthcoming.
He actually zoned out on me the other day,
When I was talking about what had gone on with me and my day.
And having said, early on, and repeatedly,
That meeting up once to twice a week was my expectation,
And having that not be met,
Makes me sad and mad.
I don't think I am clingy or demanding,
Not as a friend, not as a girl friend, or partner.
I have been told repeatedly that I am "chill."

What scared me was the time we spent together yesterday.
I was already in a standoffish space,
Thanks to the way he approached the meeting,
And the fact that it was our first meet up post new year's.
I did something I never do - keep my distance;
Sat far away, across the room,
Didn't at any point,
Engage in even a random touch.
Was quiet - speak when spoken to.
Not rude,
Just not initiating conversation of my own.

And what did he do?
Not inquire,
Not even notice,
It seemed like.
Stayed where he was,
Half asleep,
More interested in other things.
Didn't reach out to or for me at any point,
Either physically or with words.
When it was time for him to leave,
Out on the road,
He reached out for a hug,
Which I just barely returned -
Again, not my usual behavior.
But I just couldn't bring myself to reciprocate.
I felt so alone and empty and unwanted in that moment.
And like his hug was because it was what was expected of him,

In fact, a lot of recent interaction has been of that ilk,
Calls because he's expected to,
If and when there are check-ins,
It's cause its the thing to do.
Or at least, that's how it's coming across to me,
Rather than being done out of care or need of his,
I get a feeling it is done as a duty.
And that, truly hurts more than anything.