So, I said it

It's been building up for a bit now.
I know I have fallen for you.
I feel so much affection for you.
I guess it is a form of love,
Unexpected but enjoyable.

I felt such a surge of emotion towards you, recently.
But suppressed saying it.
Though it was clear to us both,
That I was feeling it.
You'd alluded to my loving more than liking you.
Even before I had worked out my emotions,
And how I felt, and where I stood on the topic.

But when I felt that bubbling again yesterday,
As you laid beside me,
I decided I would say it.
Say what I'm feeling,
'Cause that's part of just being, right?
Of not over thinking and over analyzing?
Those, after all, were the mantras I began this year on.
So, I did.
Not expecting or even hoping for a response in kind.
I said it, because I felt it.
And you seemed to take it as such.
But then, you revealed your own fears and thinking.

Apparently we've both considered calling it off,
Stopping dating, being a couple.
Because emotions are running high.
You're scared that something will screw up.
 Me, I worried about having my heart broken again.

You said you are scared we might lose one another,
That I could stop being in your life altogether.
You reiterated that you want me around always, in some capacity.
You know I have stronger feelings.
You don't have that depth of emotion towards me.
And you say that you're scared of hurting me.


After our conversation last night,
I realized also,
That what loving means to me,
Is rather different than what it means to you.
I am a giving, affectionate creature.
I hold nothing back,
It's a choice and a conscious one.
I want to live my life making the most of every connect.
And if I am to live "authentically"
Then falling,
Accepting that I might get my heart broken,
Is all part and parcel of that endeavor.
And whether you mean to hurt me or not,
Whether we end it amicably or not,
Whenever that time comes,
It will hurt, and we will mourn.
The both of us.

So, as I said.
Said it 'cause I wanted to,
'Cause I felt it.
Don't need or want you to say it back.
And know you won't.
It's all good.
Whether or not I said it aloud,
I feel strongly for and towards you.
So if/when this ends,
It is going to hurt.
But I am not going to end in now,
In anticipation!
As long as happiness inducing moments are the majority,
I want us to keep on.
If we start fighting,
And annoying one another.
If the bad outweighs the good,
Or if we get bored or in a rut,
Then, and only then,
Will I think we should end this.

You come bounding over to me.
Whenever time permits.
You say you love my company,
Enjoy every moment we spend together,
Feel like talking to me or messaging me before you fall asleep.
But that you don't feel the love for me you felt once before for someone.
That you aren't in love with me.
And that it scares you that I love you.
But see, all that you revealed,
Says how much you care.
You agreed that I am the woman in your life.
For me, that is enough, in the here and now.

So, it shook me to hear you say.
That you had felt like you should call it off.
Or think you may do so sometime in the future.
Because you don't have the time to devote,
And feel bad that someone awaits you.
And are worried about not being in love with me.
You have been saying for a while now,
That things are going to get tougher in the coming months.
Both in terms of work and your studying for upcoming exams.
That you mayn't see me for a period.
That meeting even on Sundays mayn't happen.
That you are given to focusing so completely,
That you will forget my existence.
That you are known to go into hiding at such times.
(Yes, yes, I figured all this out).
I get it, but I sure hope you realize,
That I want to stick around as your gal.
And not downgrade to friends.


You are certain, and keep telling me this.
That you want me around always,
And that even if something goes wrong and we stop being a couple.
You will still want to meet and talk and see me.
For I am important,
And you share and connect emotionally with me,
And talk to me more than anyone else.

I agree - we connect and get along great.
But our romantic relationship is also good.
It's not earth shaking, all encompassing, consuming LOVE.
I actually don't have any want or need of that.
What I feel is affection born out of attraction, communication, and time spent in one another's company and arms.

I continue to be, and feel, like my own person.
Being around you.
You have brought me happiness, and joy.
And I have learned to love myself,
Making me receptive to this relationship.
I don't need external validation from anyone,
About who or what I am.
Nor do I need any proclamations or announcements,
That we're a couple.
You know it - I know it - that's enough.

I got into this, eyes wide open.
You have family responsibilities galore.
You have the business to take care of.
You're pretty much the sole support system.
I admire you and feel a tad sorry for you,
For all those responsibilities on your head.
But you shoulder them with spirit,
With grace and fortitude.

So, don't worry.
I am asking no more of you than you can give.
Don't feel guilty, don't feel like you're not good enough,
Because you can't give me more time or space.
And because you don't love me,
The way you think love should be felt.
Let this run its course, as it's meant to.
Don't let's talk ourselves out of the happiness,
We bring each other right now.

I hope that you were just airing your concerns yesterday,
And sharing thoughts and fears.
Actually, I think you were.
You even said, I know I am talking too much.
And your behavior hasn't altered since the talk.
I feel like you were just putting that out there.
In case it happened in the future.
So you could feel like you're forewarning me.
I have felt you do it before,
In the past,
Before we got to this level.

So here's the bottom line:
I don't want you to stop being my boy,
Just because you feel you can't give me more.
Life is hard, life is full of shyte.
When someone brings a smile to your face,
And you feel good in their presence,
As we do with one another.
Then hold on, and enjoy the ride.
We all need something to lessen the bitterness of that pill.
I am content and happy as is.
Remember that, and let us just be.
For it is better than what's come before.