See-Saw-Ing

It's that see-saw again.
You know the one.
Where I am,
After getting a lot of attention and affection,
Suddenly being left a little high n dry.

The phone calls are short.
The attentiveness down.
The care and conversation's less, too.
You're not telling me stuff,
Like the plan to spend the day with my friend.
And more than once over the past week.
It's been me getting last place,
Pure and simple.

I know, have always known,
That work and family will come before me.
I am also perfectly okay with boys night out,
Or not seeing one another every day.
Really, its all good!

However, when we make plans,
When you know I am at home waiting.
Don't show up a couple hours late,
And with no warning.
Don't say I'll let you know,
About accompanying me somewhere,
And then not bother to.

Saying you were caught up in work,
Didn't realize the time,
Etc.
Just blech!
It's disrespectful of me and my time.

Being cute, calling me pet names,
Or trying to laugh it off later,
As ways to make up,
Just show me that you know it ain't right.

What is this game?
I know you don't see it as such,
Would be horrified that I am accusing you thus.
But it happens too often.
When I am away,
Or have plans that don't include you,
Or am withdrawn in any way.
You are all lovey dovey,
Concerned, caring, attentive.

I guess the last month of attentiveness,
Coming on the heels of my almost 2 week vacation abroad,
Is not at all a surprise.

But what I want is even keel.
I don't need anything else.
The see-saw-ing irritates me!

What pleasure do you get, I wonder,
From messing with me thus?
You will give, but on your terms.
And when I ask, you more often than not, don't.
You are like this, you say, have said, will say if I bring it up.

I take being stood up very badly.
I've always been that way.
Call it a pet peeve of mine.
One I've been upfront about!

I was angry and hurt, yesterday.
The last time I felt this this mix of emotions,
I called things off with the guy I was so-called seeing.
In that instance,
It was just the last straw,
'Cause really, nothing was working,
And there was no relationship at all.

With you, there's so much I do love,
And enjoy and appreciate.
However, if I am to survive,
I cannot allow myself to react like this.
For this well of hurt and anger to deepen.
It is, as my friend pointed out,
Unhealthy and detrimental to my mental health too.

I guess the bottom line is this:
If I have no expectations,
If I don't ask what you're doing,
Or why you aren't meeting me.
If I treat you as entertaining (in every aspect we share),
And entertainment,
With no need or want,

It works out just fine.

But that also means,
I have to check out in a way.
'Cause I cannot give you the priority I do,
Put you first, adjust my plans to your ability to meet up.
I will not issue you the constant invites to accompany me,
Or give you first refusal, at any rate.
Truth is I still wait to hear from you,
And I want to see you,
Every day.
But I will try not to depend on the interaction,
For my entertainment or happiness.
I will do my own thing,
And if you fit in too, great.


What's the answer I don't know.
We are bf/gf,
There's no doubt of that.
Just because we are not looking at marrying one another,
And know this isn't "forever after"
Doesn't mean it's not a relationship.
But then, what is this, this see-saw?