Awry

When things go awry all at once,
It gets really hard to keep going on.
You feel like hiding out,
Or falling into a deep sleep -
Hibernating until things get better.
But unfortunately, life doesn't allow for such self centeredness.
So, here I am, trying my darnest to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The boy, he's having a tough time himself.
And for the first time in our five months together,
He seems unable to contain and compartmentalize well.
Generally, he keeps his family, work, studies, friends and me in balance.
But this time, its all bleeding into one another.
Things not moving at work, financial issues;
Differences of opinion at home, the stresses and burdens always part of his family dynamic.
My own down mood and having things going wrong for me and in my life.
We have had a couple of fights over the last week.
He's raised his voice, lost his cool (albeit momentarily).

And he, who generally doesn't take things to heart and mind.
Said he could not get over it this time.
That it affected him and got him thinking.
The usual thoughts...
Of calling it off, taking a break, not having time to do "us" justice.
And this time, I listened, and I said, tell me what you need.
I am not going to beg you to stay with me or tell you why we should remain a couple.
I am not that kinda girl.
And he said, I know you're not.

We talked, or rather he did,
A lot - circular conversation about past, present, predictive future.
I listened, and I internalized.
His thoughts, fears and ideas remain the same.
And I said what I've said in the past too.
Let's take things as they come.
No one's looking at forever or demanding anything of that nature.
I asked just one question at the end: "Am I still your girl"?
To which he answered yes.
So I guess there is still enough to keep us in couple mode,
To not go into friends mode?
Or maybe it will become friends with benefits?

We saw each other the following night,
Along with a couple friends.
Dinner n a movie.
He held my hand during the movie.
He was playing footsie across the table at dinner.
When they dropped me off,
I just said a mass goodbye and walked to my door.
Not even asking him to come in or hug me or any such.
There's no need, there's no call.
I have made the decision to reduce my needs and wants.
And especially, my vocalization of them.

I have withdrawn and its the only way I know how to deal.
I am smiling and laughing and listening and all that.
But emotionally, there's a distance.
And one I need in order to survive.
Guess I finally got it; my "place" in his life,
Is miniscule and limited.
I knew it all along - now I feel it too.

Joke is, now that I am zoned out,
He is being all sweet and cute.
Hugging me, holding hands in public,
Playing with my fingers and nails.
Being attentive in front of his friends.
But I also know by now,
That he tends to be quite flirty with female friends.
Hand holding, cutesy names,
Emoticon filled and joking messages,
These are not to be taken as anything special.

We have not got a moment to ourselves.
Private time and one on one, has been nearly two weeks gone.
But I will not ask for it again.
I pointed it out last night.
Even asked why we had to always have an entourage.
Was he scared to be alone with me or something?
He got the message, methinks.
But whether or not he rectifies the situation,
Remains to be seen.

Messages on WhatsApp and flirtation are a start.
Telling me I looked extra pretty when he saw me.
Saying I was looking gorgeous.
Sure - all nice to hear - I don't deny.
But it's not giving me the same feeling as before.

The switch, it is in the off position right now.
And I am not sure how to turn it to on again.

That I care deeply for him, I know.
That he cares for me,
Perhaps more than he is willing to admit,
Or may even realize,
I also know.
But if he thinks that not giving me one on one time.
Always meeting with the friends in tow,
Taking me for granted at times.
Threatening me with calling it off,
Wanting a break,
Saying it won't go anywhere further,
Talking of disappearing and not meeting until after exams...
And even the raised voice stuff he's pulled,
Will not have an effect on me.
He is wrong.

I cannot forget these instances.
They are coloring my mood and my sense of self.
And of course, our interactions.
Don't want them to, but cannot help it.
If someone keeps telling you stuff,
It is finally going to take a toll,
Even when you know that its mostly just talk.
Or the other person emptying their brain of thoughts,
Tumultuous and confused.

I am going to just be right now.
Take things as they come,
Not react or fight or demand,
Anything at all from him.
Hang out with your buddies,
Make plans with others, please.
Concentrate on studying and your family.

I am good...I really am not going to demand.
The daily phone calls,
The flirtation with intent,
Tells me it ain't over yet.
So for now, I am going on.
One foot in front of the other.
And hoping for some healing...
For only time,
And some loving,
Can heal these wounds...