Retreat and Recalibrate

You've suddenly gone "off."
And I know it's not about me, or us.
But I am not sure how to handle this.
From multiple daily calls, to nothing.
From WhatsApp messaging, to nothing.
From basking in the glory of your company, to nothing.
It's only day two, and I am already a mess.
I can't do without the interaction - I admit it!

Why oh why, do you men do this?
Establish a pattern of behavior,
And then suddenly just turn off?!
Are you testing me?
Or yourself?
Do you want to see if I will quietly remain by your side,
Or whether I will become needy and demanding?
Are you trying to make yourself concentrate only on work,
By not taking or returning calls and messages from me,
And from our friends too?
Is this that martyrdom returning?

You called late last night,
After not responding to two calls.
But then got cut off when your battery died.
Generally, you would have messaged in response -
To my calls, and definitely either at night,
Or this morning, given the abrupt cut off.
Nada, though.

When I said last night,
That I was concerned and got worried,
You said, I am like this,
Get used to it.
And called me a school child,
For worrying what was up.

I have told you before,
That I need to hear from you,
And that if there is some change.
Please just discuss it.
If I know what to expect,
It's all good - I will adjust accordingly.
But this sudden silence?
Well, that's getting me down.

I worry about whether things are okay at home.
Or if I said or did something to annoy you.
My past dictates this - when men withdraw,
It's generally been a phase-out,
And the end.
I have explained this too, to you.
So, give me the peace of mind, will ya?!

I have to retreat and recalibrate now.
Make myself stop wanting and missing,
Those day time calls, and messages.
I know it is temporary.
That you will miss me too.
And come back to normalcy.
Or, if there's a new normal to be established,
Let's do that, please.
But leaving me hanging, as you are now.
Is plain unfair and unworthy of you,
And the ten months I've invested in being with you.

I love you, so very much,
And have given you all of myself.
Why are you freaking me out?
What did I do to deserve it?
I know I have done nothing,
That its not about me.

Things have been so good,
By your own admission.
We are in a good place,
Even a couple days ago,
We laughed and giggled and had a whale of a time.
Why then do I find myself,
In floods of tears?
It scares me, that a couple days of you being withdrawn,
Can and do, have such an effect on me!

Can't you just say it straight out,
That you need a timeout?
Face me, meet me.
How you're handling it now,
Doesn't work.

I am a communicator,
I am a seeker,
I am a giver.
So communicate your needs,
Help me understand,
And I will give you what you need.
For that is what love means to me.
And you are the best love I have experienced.
Don't please don't make me regret giving you my heart.
And please be just a little kind to it.
It's the only one I've got!

I will give you your space.
I won't call or bug you.
It hurts like hell,
And yes, I will cry in private,
As I battle my own emotions and neediness.

You, who are generally so kind and sweet,
So affectionate and go out of your way.
If you are behaving thus,
Then you really need that timeout.
So take it, my love.
I will figure out my own emotions,
And how to deal with the fallout.
For again, my life is better for you in it.

But I worry that the time will come,
When I've done the yo-yo to such an extent,
That I won't be able to come back to the best high.
Then, you will feel the difference,
In every way, in every interaction.
And what we have, will end.
I would rather that didn't happen.

PS: You called, I was right - you are overwrought with family and work. And I immediately cheered up and blossomed just hearing your voice. This is what is the scary part for me - not about your moods, but about my reaction to them. Oh, what a fool in love I've turned into!