What happened?

There are some moments in life when one regresses to needing nothing more than the sound of mom's voice and the comfort of her arms.
For almost half my life, I have been too far away to get the latter part of that comfort.
But have always been able to just call and hear that voice-when I feel like my world is crumbling,
For whatever reason, big or small.
Ever since my return to India this year,
I find this solace harder to come by.

Twice its happened now,
That in pain and just with that little girl's need for her mama,
I have ended up feeling worse and even less good about myself than before I picked up that phone.
Guess the little girl wanting her mother thing will never go away,
At the essence and core of my being.
Why is it that I end up more upset, in tears, and feeling like shyte after I talk to her?
What happened?

Where is her empathy?
Her ability to just listen and be supportive?
Why is everything a lecture with her now?
Why does she first point out my flaws, my shortcomings, my mistakes?
YES I AGREE I HAVE PLENTY.
I am well aware of just how much I have screwed up my life.
And that every recent attempt to get cheerful or find happiness,
Has gone rather spectacularly awry.
So then, what I need is a gentle hand.
Not a sledgehammer followed by words of comfort!

Why can't she be like before?
The same woman who used to know when I needed her,
More often than not before I had even realized it myself?
The same woman who called and asked me, a decade ago,
If she could attend my ex's wedding or if it would bother me.
The same woman who cried with me when I was having relationship and living issues early this year?

My pillar is just too far away now...the one person who always is there for me, unconditionally.
Who has counseled and listened through all my misadventures and adventures.
Without whom I cannot contemplate an existence.
The time difference is deadly and somehow, its never convenient to call when I most need it most...
Too late, too early, too something.
So then, when I have my mother here, just a couple hours ride away, and a simple phone call away,
Why is she not actually there for me?

I must have done something very very bad.
For life has just been throwing one curve ball after another my way this year.
And I am quickly reaching the end of my tether.
This being the last evening of the last day of the year,
I can only hope things improve in 2012.
I need to leave behind the regrets,
the pain, the anger, the anguish.
And try to find some peace and equilibrium.
Because I know that, strong and independent as I try to be,
I am now very close to the precipice.
And should I fall, I am not sure I can or even want to, try to climb back up...