Of love and support

Written November 2010
Will you defend me always?
Its a question I never even imagined asking of you.
I took it for granted, given who you are, what we have become, and what you mean to me.
But given recent conversation,
Your amusement and bewilderment at my reaction
To your friend's continued questioning of us as a couple.
His telling you that you can do better, that I'm not good enough...
And your not even thinking to rise to my defense.
Keeping quiet, because you see it as his not knowing any better, and not knowing me.
You don't take him seriously, you don't think very highly of him in general, I know.

I understand where you're coming from, I do.
Its a 15 year friendship; the two of you have known each other a long time.
Yet, don't I deserve to have your protection?
Haven't I earned that right by now?
I am not asking, as many have told me to do,
That you stop talking to him or are no longer friends.
I don't need that or even want it.
I am not an ultimatum sort of person.
Its me or him is just too dramatic a stance for me.
But you could at least tell him to shut it.
Not listen or remain silent when he continues to trash me.
Saying "don't take me wrong" or "I want what's best for you"
Is no excuse for him to be able to get away with the stuff he's pulling.
I forgave it the first instance,
Putting it down to his lack of polish and class.
But no friend, no real friend, would continue to demean a man's girlfriend, refuse to accept as a couple two people who are committed to each other.
And for what reason?
Because he does not like the way I look and thinks you can do better.
What kind of friend is he; what kind of person?
And why don't you see that its just plain wrong that he is behaving this way?

I met him once, that experience is enough.
Him, his wife, his kids, whom I would have made an effort to get to know as your friends.
That will not happen now.
His continued verbalized negativity means he is persona non grata for me,
But you are and will always be free to have the relationship you want with him.
You've told me to say when I am upset or angry at you, and tell you what to do to fix it.
But in this instance, I cannot do it.
You need to feel it, want to protect me.
Fat or big or whatever I am,
I don't deserve to be thus maligned and no one should be allowed to speak of me to you as he has...

Don't

Written January 2011
Our recent fights and arguments have me worried.
I need strength and coping skills for this,
The nit-picking, easily irritable, irascible side of you that I'm seeing.
I am fragile and hyper sensitive to criticism or perceived attack from my loved ones.
When you get upset at something and turn on me,
I can't fight back every time.
More often than not, I want to run away and hide.
I understand where you're coming from.
You're under a lot of stress,
Trying to get things done, make changes, move ideas forward into reality.
Also feeling the pressure of things.
And I get that I am your closest confidante,
That its a mark of our closeness and bond,
That its me you vent to, yell at, get annoyed with.
I want to be there, supportive and caring,
The girlfriend you deserve to have.
Giving you the love you should be given.
It would be easy to say lets not talk if you're in a bad mood,
Quick to say lets not talk every day.
But I cannot do that-I need to see/talk to you.
Its become a necessity for my happiness.
Even if you're in a foul mood,
Or are ignoring me because you've got work to do,
Or your phone rings constantly.
But good or bad, I must have that time with you,
You are essential to my well-being,
Even when you are shattering it.
You break me a little, every time.
Each time I cry over your words.
Each time I bury my hurt and sense of devastation.
Because your anger and irritation are devastating.
To my sense of self, to my ego.
I fear I am not good enough.
That I annoy and exhaust you.
I want to be your lover and your wife,
But can I make you happy and keep you content?
Because, you see, I love you, so very much.
And because you are a good man,
Kind, sensitive, caring, honest and unaffected,
With no games to play or ploys to run.
I appreciate you and who you are.
I am grateful to have you in my life,
Feel fortunate that you love me too.
That you put up with me,
Oddball whackjob that I am.
So please:
Don't snap at me,
Don't pick on me,
Don't jump on my words.
Because I will more often than not, not yell back.
I am capable of yelling, sure.
I can argue as well as the next person, perhaps better.
But I don't want to, or need to.
I don't feel like I have to prove myself to you.
I just want to be loved and cherished by you.
I've said it before, I'll say it again.
All I expect from you is love and affection.
Give me that, make me yours.
And you have a companion for life.

Time

Written March 2011
I am upset right now.
I started out hurt,
We can now add mad.
I've told you before,
But clearly, it did not register...
When you say things in anger,
I take them to heart.
Though you can get over your irritation in a day or two,
Not so me.
I am roiling inside.

I was scared.
Fearful of how you'd reacted.
Incredulous of some things said.
You chided and threatened me when I cried.
Yes I know, you are "allergic to tears."
But I could not hold them back,
When recollecting your words...
"I don't have time for this right now."
So hurtful, so dismissive.
You meant it about a particular topic,
That would have been a can of worms if opened.
I know that, but it still felt awful,
Like you didn't have time for me.

I know I was wrong to repeat myself,
For you saw it as my questioning you,
Not trusting you.
Yet I did it for my own reassurance,
Out of personal need to reiterate.
Knowing I irritated you,
I emailed and apologized,
Explained the stance.
But you never replied.
So, I called.
Literally begged you to not be so angry at me.
And yes, I cried a little.
So, you got angrier, and shut me down.
Maybe the women around you use tears insipidly.
But not I-I am not a crier.
Ask those that know me best.
If I let tears out, they are genuine,
And heartfelt...not a dramatic play for attention.

Yes, I am demanding of your full attention.
Yes, it bothers me when I don't get it.
But does that make me overly needy?
Am I soo selfish to ask it?
Yes, sometimes I snap or whine.
Apparently, I am not allowed that.
I have been myself up until now.
Completely direct and straight forward.
Letting you know when I am feeling ignored.
When your phone is ringing constantly,
Or you're playing with it...
I say talk to meee, look at meee.
Half jokingly.

I want this to work.
You mean the world to me.
I need to make it right.
There is plenty wrong with me,
That you are willing to deal with.
My physical imperfections,
My talkativeness,
My argumentativeness,
My general weirdness.
Its now for me to compromise.

So, I will adjust and adapt.
I will squash my natural tendencies.
Will not react when the phone rings,
Or someone comes and you have to leave.
I told you tonight to not ask my permission,
Or apologize, each time you get a call.
Just do what you have to,
I shall not pout or complain.
I will not ask you to stay longer.
Will say goodbye as soon as you want to leave.
Basically, let you call the tone and length of our conversations.
Interruptions are part and parcel of loving you.
My job then, is to accept them.
And NOT show irritation or annoyance.
And most of all,
Whatever the price,
Not cry in your presence.

If I can help it,
I will keep these resolutions.
Make it a mantra:
Don't react to interruptions.
Don't demand attention.
Don't say you're ignoring me.
Don't push.
Don't start to cry.

You said today,
That you wanted to fight with me yesterday...
But decided not to in case I started to cry.
Such a statement only strengthens my resolve...
To never ever cry around you.
I will leave the room,
Even lock myself in a bathroom,
If I have to.

I will be as even as possible,
Talking each day, exchanging news.
Listening as you vent.
Or laughing at your stories.
But remaining extra aware,
Else I once again become demanding.
I will not fight you now.
Its too far,
Its too frightening.
The more I give, the more I feel,
The more I want.
So, best I hold back,
Reduce my ebullience,
For the few weeks remaining...
Until we're in the same place.

I Am Not Over You, At All

Written August 2011
For weeks now, people have been saying its a really bad idea to stay in touch with you.
To talk to you every day and often multiple times in a day.
That your presence in my life is not healthy.
I have steadfastly refused to listen to this advice from anyone, be it parents, friends or others.
My near and dear ones find your behavior unforgivable and quite baffling.
They are all amazed that I am not more angry at you,
Or bitter, given that I came back to be your girl and your wife,
Whereas you seem completely incapable of delivering on that front.
Commitment and intimacy seem to scare you,
So you've chosen to blame me, see me as deficient.
Rather than accept that you gave me false hope.
For despite all our conversations and plans,
You never had any realistic or clear intent to settle down with me.


You've been a steady and important part of my life for the past 14 months.
We've become the best of friends and companions.
How do I suddenly stop that, then? Especially when I know you are in need of a friend, and that I am so important to you, that you send every thought and idea my way. Perhaps there's something about that-knowing someone cares so much for me and relies on me emotionally, that is a powerful feeling.

But now I realize, I am doing myself a great disservice here.
I guess somewhere, in the recesses of my heart, I had still not given up hope of there being an "us".
I thought, despite your firm and quite clear rejection of me as a romantic partner,
Despite my saying we can only be friends because you cannot give me more,
In spite of my un-relationship-ing us on Facebook,
Even though I have told myself to be open to dating others...
That we might fix things and be together.
Because no one can deny the deep affection between us.

I know I am still in love with you.
My heart, once given, does not let go easily.
But your asking me, tonight,
If you should express interest in another woman's profile,
Was a huge eye-opener.
The tightening in my chest,
The tears prickling my eyelids,
The extreme anguish I felt at hearing those words.
Makes me understand that I should not be talking to you or keeping you so a part of my life.

I don't need to cut you out forever,
Just until my wounds are healed,
And my heart mended.
I do hate you at times,
For bringing me here,
And not being there for me like you promised.
But then I also know the largest share of the blame lands on my own doorstep.
For it was I who made the decision.
In my greed for love and marriage and fulfillment of a romantic life,
I did not even stop to consider the consequences if things went wrong.
And came tumbling back to a place and society I cannot abide,
And where I am a total misfit.
So, while love and hate war in my head and heart,
You cannot be a strong presence and recurring voice in my life.
Forgive me for being selfish now.
I cannot be your dearest friend and hope to heal.
I must distance myself, at least for now.
In time, we can revert to a closeness.
But for now, it hurts altogether too much.

Lacking

I thought I was a person
A developed, intelligent, worthy of attention being.
Today I found out that I am not,
At least in some eyes, to certain people in my life
Unfortunately they are the important ones.


I found out today, that my size defines me.
Fat is fat is fat.
I know I am fat-I do own a mirror!
I know it is something I should work at changing.
I am pretty smart.
But not smart enough to not be hurt and crushed by the rejection of mine,
Over the size I am.


But does being overweight define me completely?
Am I nothing but a mass, with no accomplishments,
Nothing to recommend her.
I thought otherwise.
Wait, I still do.


However, some seem to think that
Independence, Self-reliance, Intellect, Intelligence, Humor,
A life being lived in full.
These activities do not make or even distinguish me.
Indeed, apparently, the startling pounds extra I carry,
Make me a monstrous, unaccomplished, undistinguished blob.


Lack of a mate (I’m fat, so who would or could want me?),
Some extra weight.
And all my years of intelligent thought,
Friendships made, relationships maintained,
Mean nothing. Worse, less than nothing.
They are negated by my fat.


Do I believe this?
Am I really a blob of nothingness,
A pathetic, to-be-pitied, repulsive mess?
No-I do not think so.

Yet the fact that those who gave me life find me
Unfathomable, Gross, Alarming, Worrisome,
To-be-ashamed-of.
That makes me
Sad, Angry, Unhappy.

It makes me realize and finally internalize,
With a resounding thud I never felt before,
That whatever I do or accomplish,
Will never, ever be enough.
My size will continue to define me,
Or that "issue" once resolved,
There will be something else to criticize,
And I will always come up-
Lacking.