I Am Not Over You, At All

Written August 2011
For weeks now, people have been saying its a really bad idea to stay in touch with you.
To talk to you every day and often multiple times in a day.
That your presence in my life is not healthy.
I have steadfastly refused to listen to this advice from anyone, be it parents, friends or others.
My near and dear ones find your behavior unforgivable and quite baffling.
They are all amazed that I am not more angry at you,
Or bitter, given that I came back to be your girl and your wife,
Whereas you seem completely incapable of delivering on that front.
Commitment and intimacy seem to scare you,
So you've chosen to blame me, see me as deficient.
Rather than accept that you gave me false hope.
For despite all our conversations and plans,
You never had any realistic or clear intent to settle down with me.


You've been a steady and important part of my life for the past 14 months.
We've become the best of friends and companions.
How do I suddenly stop that, then? Especially when I know you are in need of a friend, and that I am so important to you, that you send every thought and idea my way. Perhaps there's something about that-knowing someone cares so much for me and relies on me emotionally, that is a powerful feeling.

But now I realize, I am doing myself a great disservice here.
I guess somewhere, in the recesses of my heart, I had still not given up hope of there being an "us".
I thought, despite your firm and quite clear rejection of me as a romantic partner,
Despite my saying we can only be friends because you cannot give me more,
In spite of my un-relationship-ing us on Facebook,
Even though I have told myself to be open to dating others...
That we might fix things and be together.
Because no one can deny the deep affection between us.

I know I am still in love with you.
My heart, once given, does not let go easily.
But your asking me, tonight,
If you should express interest in another woman's profile,
Was a huge eye-opener.
The tightening in my chest,
The tears prickling my eyelids,
The extreme anguish I felt at hearing those words.
Makes me understand that I should not be talking to you or keeping you so a part of my life.

I don't need to cut you out forever,
Just until my wounds are healed,
And my heart mended.
I do hate you at times,
For bringing me here,
And not being there for me like you promised.
But then I also know the largest share of the blame lands on my own doorstep.
For it was I who made the decision.
In my greed for love and marriage and fulfillment of a romantic life,
I did not even stop to consider the consequences if things went wrong.
And came tumbling back to a place and society I cannot abide,
And where I am a total misfit.
So, while love and hate war in my head and heart,
You cannot be a strong presence and recurring voice in my life.
Forgive me for being selfish now.
I cannot be your dearest friend and hope to heal.
I must distance myself, at least for now.
In time, we can revert to a closeness.
But for now, it hurts altogether too much.