To my "Dear Abby"

I am having an angst ridden few days. Went on a trip, and coming back was incredibly hard. Think I am so unhappy with my current circumstances, that the break was more a reminder of how much life sucks right now. Plus I met with a friend from my former life, one he is still living. More gut wrenches. Anyways, I found myself kvetching to a dear friend and her wise response made me feel better and got me teary too. So here's the exchange (edited). As always, a good talk, a good cry, and putting my thoughts and feelings down make me feel better-things get sorted and start to make sense, once I have them written, rather than being this knot in my stomach and jumble of craziness! And I realized, at the root of my mood, is the impending birthday!

I said: Ok I am so so sad to be back here. For whatever reasons, this trip was really hard. I had this sort of knot in my gut the entire time. The whole Xmas wonderland effect, the fact that I hate my job and situation here worse than before. And there's a sense of helplessness I guess-a year and a half already gone by! Also it was difficult to meet someone who is still living the life I knew-and yes, cause there is history there, but as before, its clear he is not interested or ready to get involved on a romantic level-I don't know for sure if that is just with me, or in general. He did say he is not ready to get married yet. I never saw him in that light before, honestly, but during this meet up, I found myself thinking about it. But again, not sure where his head is at-whether I am someone he would ever even consider. Best to leave it where it is, good friends, who enjoy each other's company. Last thing I want or need is the embarrassment of misinterpreting a friendship for more.

She said: That does sound rough - history colored meeting, going back to a job you don't like. Here's my perspective. all my friends are miserable, wherever they are, whether in asia, europe, or the u.s. the job markets suck, we are the generation that gets grossly underpaid because we graduated in a recession, most of us are living at home, our love lives are non-existent, our grandparents are dying off, our parents have become significantly older, and our bodies are starting to show signs of ageing. i am really not exaggerating. all this to tell you that you're not alone and the grass is really not greener on the other side. we just have to make the best out of this situation and only think of our commitments in chunks of 2-3 years.

i think that your move back to the home country was rushed and hectic and ended up backfiring, which set the tone for your 1.5 years there. you moved there for someone who turned out to be a crazy jackass. culture shock to boot. time to start thinking about what do you want to do with your life at least for the next 2-3 years. don't think about it in terms of another person, i.e. i want to get married and move out of this country. we can only depend on ourselves and we rarely let ourselves down. so, what does the crazy, beautiful, vibrant, intelligent, and incredibly kind zany want to do with her life? and how is she going to get there BY HERSELF? want to work abroad? figure out what jobs are available and how you can increase your chances of getting hired by an international firm. want to transition into another career path? figure out if you need additional educational qualifications and apply. do you want to say fuck it and just travel for a year? figure out how you can work your way through. there will always be options for you.

My grateful self said: First off, love love love you! Thank you for writing all you did and saying nice things like I am crazy, beautiful and kind. Sometimes,stupid as it sounds, I need to hear that I am not a worthless lump. Hmm, needy much (apparently yes, of recent!!)

And it is also good to know one is not alone in the abyss, that the misery and disconnect is something other 20 and 30 somethings feel. I know in my case, I have chosen to not settle down and be a good wife and mother type-or even a career woman, if you will. I have almost defiantly and purposely gone ahead and done any and everything that came across my path, and never thought to do the smart thing to stay abroad by studying such and such or marrying so and so. All things that today seem like bad choices. But really, who knew? You're right about my needing to get my plan made and work towards it.

I was doing well, despite everything, until middle of this year. Then I withdrew myself and in retrospect, bad move. I have never before in my life looked to others to fulfill me or make me happy-other than for company and affection. I am incredibly grateful for the friends I have and the love and support they and my family (in their own dysfunctional way) provide. I am a loner, tending to find happiness in random stuff, like a good movie or book, a nice meal, even just a beautiful sky or beach. And I can enjoy all those things solo.

But I am also aware that I have somewhere along the way, gotten needier. I want someone in my life to share it with and have the comfort of an other half. Weird for someone who was pretty much anti marriage or settling until just 2-3 years ago. And who, even now, does tend to associate marriage with giving up freedom. If I were to think in terms of the rest of my life, I get claustrophobic, be it about living in one place for the next 30 years or just thinking of my life in that long span. I am not a planner nor do I try to control or stay in check. I just am-I float.

I remind myself that all is not bad. And yeah, if things ever reach breaking point, I am going to wash my hands of it all, pack my bags and travel as far as my money takes me. Its a fantasy of mine-the thing I will do if ever I am given news like you just have a year to live, or some such melodramatic stance.

I also realize that I should stay away from ex-es, be it a friend where there was something extra, or the love of my life, or even an old old flame who pops in to say hello. Seeing them puts me into a what-if spin that is totally unproductive, makes me melancholy and morose. I had no expectations when meeting any of these guys again, yet each time I have been left in a weird head space after. So its not them, its me! I need to stop dwelling in the past and look instead to my future.

Finally, for the first time in a good long time, I am actually dreading my birthday, turning 33. I have had birthdays which did not turn out good, but the only time I can recollect not looking forward to one was my 25th-I had a solid quarter life crisis! Not sure what it is, between the white hairs, singledom and distance from my peeps...but this one is looming over me...