Time

Written March 2011
I am upset right now.
I started out hurt,
We can now add mad.
I've told you before,
But clearly, it did not register...
When you say things in anger,
I take them to heart.
Though you can get over your irritation in a day or two,
Not so me.
I am roiling inside.

I was scared.
Fearful of how you'd reacted.
Incredulous of some things said.
You chided and threatened me when I cried.
Yes I know, you are "allergic to tears."
But I could not hold them back,
When recollecting your words...
"I don't have time for this right now."
So hurtful, so dismissive.
You meant it about a particular topic,
That would have been a can of worms if opened.
I know that, but it still felt awful,
Like you didn't have time for me.

I know I was wrong to repeat myself,
For you saw it as my questioning you,
Not trusting you.
Yet I did it for my own reassurance,
Out of personal need to reiterate.
Knowing I irritated you,
I emailed and apologized,
Explained the stance.
But you never replied.
So, I called.
Literally begged you to not be so angry at me.
And yes, I cried a little.
So, you got angrier, and shut me down.
Maybe the women around you use tears insipidly.
But not I-I am not a crier.
Ask those that know me best.
If I let tears out, they are genuine,
And heartfelt...not a dramatic play for attention.

Yes, I am demanding of your full attention.
Yes, it bothers me when I don't get it.
But does that make me overly needy?
Am I soo selfish to ask it?
Yes, sometimes I snap or whine.
Apparently, I am not allowed that.
I have been myself up until now.
Completely direct and straight forward.
Letting you know when I am feeling ignored.
When your phone is ringing constantly,
Or you're playing with it...
I say talk to meee, look at meee.
Half jokingly.

I want this to work.
You mean the world to me.
I need to make it right.
There is plenty wrong with me,
That you are willing to deal with.
My physical imperfections,
My talkativeness,
My argumentativeness,
My general weirdness.
Its now for me to compromise.

So, I will adjust and adapt.
I will squash my natural tendencies.
Will not react when the phone rings,
Or someone comes and you have to leave.
I told you tonight to not ask my permission,
Or apologize, each time you get a call.
Just do what you have to,
I shall not pout or complain.
I will not ask you to stay longer.
Will say goodbye as soon as you want to leave.
Basically, let you call the tone and length of our conversations.
Interruptions are part and parcel of loving you.
My job then, is to accept them.
And NOT show irritation or annoyance.
And most of all,
Whatever the price,
Not cry in your presence.

If I can help it,
I will keep these resolutions.
Make it a mantra:
Don't react to interruptions.
Don't demand attention.
Don't say you're ignoring me.
Don't push.
Don't start to cry.

You said today,
That you wanted to fight with me yesterday...
But decided not to in case I started to cry.
Such a statement only strengthens my resolve...
To never ever cry around you.
I will leave the room,
Even lock myself in a bathroom,
If I have to.

I will be as even as possible,
Talking each day, exchanging news.
Listening as you vent.
Or laughing at your stories.
But remaining extra aware,
Else I once again become demanding.
I will not fight you now.
Its too far,
Its too frightening.
The more I give, the more I feel,
The more I want.
So, best I hold back,
Reduce my ebullience,
For the few weeks remaining...
Until we're in the same place.