"Put up or Get out"

I understand it's a question of
"Put up or Get out"
Friends say you deserve better,
You can do better.
Why settle?

One doesn't get why I let someone else be in charge,
Controlling the relationship.
(I don't see it thus - he is busier and squeezes me in whenever possible).
Another says why I am I with someone,
Where there's no future?
(her version of future means marriage and the works).
Another thinks I should keep it as just fun,
Boy toy, rather than boy friend.

Where am I in this?
I am all in, but then I am like that in every relationship, romantic or otherwise.
So *just* boy toy doesn't work for me.
And would not for him, either.
Plus, it would be hard, at this point,
To backtrack to casual,
When it has been something more for months now.
This is not about casual sex.
It's about intimacy, friendship, laughter,
And what has emerged over the months.


There are some consistent and frequent irritants.
I feel them deeply at those moments.
But, like I keep saying:
It is what it is,
And the good continues to outweigh the bad!

Is that why I stay?
Or is it that I fear I cannot do better?
Or don't even deserve better?

You know, I don't know!
I am laying my soul bare here.

Here's why I am still in this:
1) In over 2 decades of dating, I've never done better (decent, good looking, good heart, consistent).
2)  This is the happiest romance I have ever had.
3)  The sex (yes, I said it) is fantastic.
4)  Longest face to face adult relationship.
5) I don't need or want this to lead to marriage or forever after - his family dynamics are not appealing, the way they are now. And I am as far from their idea of a mate for him as is possible.
6) I may not be the gal one takes home to meet mom n dad, or the gal one marries. I may well be the woman you have a great time with, love, enjoy, find fascinating and beautiful but not wife-material.
7) My mixed parentage, liberal views and lifestyle, and years spent in the US make me "different" and thus possibly too quirky.
8) I see that there will be no progression here - it's not going anywhere in forever's direction. The fact that we come back to the same point (my complaints, included) prove that. This is a good time, one that has been going on many months, longer than either of us anticipated. And there is a wealth of affection, care and trust too.
9) I like the comfort of having the same person - to date, in my bed, to hang with. Dating can be exhausting and unnerving and numbing. I am happy enough with him and there is nothing so wrong that I should walk, despite the sometimes one-sidedness.
10) There is compatibility and matching in many ways - we are emotionally and physically connected, very well. But intellectually, I accept I am not stimulated. And because it is at the level it is at, I am okay with it. Could I be with someone like that long-term, when I am 50 or more? I really dunno! He's smart and sweet, but not a deep thinker or with the kind of diverse interests and conversation that I have. Which is really, just fine! But the well matched, long married couples I have seen - connect on all levels.

So, I think the way it stands now, it is about wanting someone in my life. I got into this entire dating exercise looking for companionship, affection and something that lasted more than a few weeks. Win, on all counts. Yes, I give more than I get (but then, that's my choice, I am aware and eyes wide open about that). I have issues with certain behaviors, I realize they aren't going to change, and right now, I CHOOSE to put up. The only getting on his terms, his repeated proclamations of have no expectations of me, and the waffling of yes/no about meeting up or going someplace, get to me now and again. So, I still will need to kvetch, to complain, to whine - to let the irritation and hurt out, when it occurs. That too, I see and accept.

I don't see any fixes or solutions, nor am I asking for that. I just need to let the steam out. Because at the end of the day, I am happier with him in my life, and he has brought enough good and a lot of fun. I see what the issues and flaws are, and I know this relationship has an end date as a romance - either one of us will get bored, or fall for someone else, or find a more "permanent" situation. Until then, it is what it is, and I for one, am good with that.

See-Saw-Ing

It's that see-saw again.
You know the one.
Where I am,
After getting a lot of attention and affection,
Suddenly being left a little high n dry.

The phone calls are short.
The attentiveness down.
The care and conversation's less, too.
You're not telling me stuff,
Like the plan to spend the day with my friend.
And more than once over the past week.
It's been me getting last place,
Pure and simple.

I know, have always known,
That work and family will come before me.
I am also perfectly okay with boys night out,
Or not seeing one another every day.
Really, its all good!

However, when we make plans,
When you know I am at home waiting.
Don't show up a couple hours late,
And with no warning.
Don't say I'll let you know,
About accompanying me somewhere,
And then not bother to.

Saying you were caught up in work,
Didn't realize the time,
Etc.
Just blech!
It's disrespectful of me and my time.

Being cute, calling me pet names,
Or trying to laugh it off later,
As ways to make up,
Just show me that you know it ain't right.

What is this game?
I know you don't see it as such,
Would be horrified that I am accusing you thus.
But it happens too often.
When I am away,
Or have plans that don't include you,
Or am withdrawn in any way.
You are all lovey dovey,
Concerned, caring, attentive.

I guess the last month of attentiveness,
Coming on the heels of my almost 2 week vacation abroad,
Is not at all a surprise.

But what I want is even keel.
I don't need anything else.
The see-saw-ing irritates me!

What pleasure do you get, I wonder,
From messing with me thus?
You will give, but on your terms.
And when I ask, you more often than not, don't.
You are like this, you say, have said, will say if I bring it up.

I take being stood up very badly.
I've always been that way.
Call it a pet peeve of mine.
One I've been upfront about!

I was angry and hurt, yesterday.
The last time I felt this this mix of emotions,
I called things off with the guy I was so-called seeing.
In that instance,
It was just the last straw,
'Cause really, nothing was working,
And there was no relationship at all.

With you, there's so much I do love,
And enjoy and appreciate.
However, if I am to survive,
I cannot allow myself to react like this.
For this well of hurt and anger to deepen.
It is, as my friend pointed out,
Unhealthy and detrimental to my mental health too.

I guess the bottom line is this:
If I have no expectations,
If I don't ask what you're doing,
Or why you aren't meeting me.
If I treat you as entertaining (in every aspect we share),
And entertainment,
With no need or want,

It works out just fine.

But that also means,
I have to check out in a way.
'Cause I cannot give you the priority I do,
Put you first, adjust my plans to your ability to meet up.
I will not issue you the constant invites to accompany me,
Or give you first refusal, at any rate.
Truth is I still wait to hear from you,
And I want to see you,
Every day.
But I will try not to depend on the interaction,
For my entertainment or happiness.
I will do my own thing,
And if you fit in too, great.


What's the answer I don't know.
We are bf/gf,
There's no doubt of that.
Just because we are not looking at marrying one another,
And know this isn't "forever after"
Doesn't mean it's not a relationship.
But then, what is this, this see-saw?

I not only survived, I thrived

Four plus years ago, I came back to the country of my birth.
And the first two years were some of the hardest of my life.
I have chronicled that pain and suffering.
This ain't about that.
August marked 4 years of my living in my current chosen city.
It's been tumultuous.
But I sure have learned a lot.
Good and Bad.

Made some dreadful mistakes,
With jobs and people.
Made some wonderful friends, too.
Have a reasonably happy life now.
A measure of peace, contentment.
But it took a long time coming.
Let me tell ya!

2011-2012 were about making a point.
That I could, and would survive.
On my own.
That having my heart broken.
My plans to get married go awry.
My raison d'etre to return to India disappear.
Would not fell me.

I was living in a small little apartment,
In a sad neighborhood,
Where I stood out like a sore thumb and didn't feel comfortable.

I worked at a crappy company.
At a sub-par salary.
Dealt with apathetic colleagues,
A gossip-ridden atmosphere,
A crazy boss,
Followed by an incompetent one,
Rounded out by an abusive one!

Then in 2013 I jumped straight from the frying pan to the fire:
Got "poached" by an ex-manager,
And convinced to join a small training company.
Shysters, they turned out to be!
No money, no class, all talk and jazz hands.
The commute was long and painful.
Expensive on my health and pocket.
But I loved the training and interacting with the classes.
Still, not getting paid salary on time (oh, same crappy salary, btw!!)
Meant that it was just a matter of time.
Three months in, having waited for a check that could be cashed/deposited.
I walked as soon as it came through.

What followed was three months of even deeper hell.
Unemployment is numbing to the soul,
Especially when you have folks (aka parentals),
Reminding you at every opportunity of your mistakes.
I determinedly continued to live alone,
In my shyte apartment that was cheap rent.
I went to more events, made lunch dates with friends.
Took on freelance work, writing and editing.
And of course,
Applied for jobs and attended interviews.
But it was a bad time,
With everyone in my business.
Living off savings,
And having no schedule or routine in place.

2014 was the turning point.
I accepted and started my current job.
Took up writing as a full time profession.
Small company, sometimes too quiet.
Not great, but no one's abusing me.
I get paid a decent wage,
Even if still not anywhere near my worth/potential.
And I have learned a whole lot.

With the new job, came a new home.
And that ended up being the biggest factor in my happiness.
I moved in next door to a dear friend and her family.
And down the road from one of my best guy pals.
The house also definitely has some mojo.
Literally from the moment I moved in,
There have been people filling it.
Coming to visit, to stay a few days.
Laughter and fun and dancing.
Food, drink, silliness.
The little girls who are my loves.
My house is the hang out spot,
The place everyone gathers.
And I love it!

2014 also got me involved in other activities and events.
That widened my social circle.
Brought new and strong friendships into my life.
I also fell in love with a friend, unexpectedly.
And then moved on too.
Went back to dating,
After an almost 2 year gap.
As in, went into it actively.
Put myself out there.
Met a few guys,
Had a couple good dates that went nowhere.
Alongside half a dozen doozies. 

Then ended up with one confused, broken, selfish soul.
For three months.
But had the sense and strength,
To call it off when things were clearly no good.
And jumped right back into the game.
And hit pay dirt!


In the last few months,
The boy in my life and his friends too,
Have made my home theirs.
We gather almost every day!
And they, alongside others,
Point to feeling a sense of peace and well being there.
I love this aspect of my life.
Though work might be boring as hell now,
Though my friends at work have slowly but surely moved on to greener pastures,
My lunch companions have dwindled, the laughs and post office gatherings, too.
I seem to manage to keep busy, keep happy and feel some peace.

Four years ago, on moving back, and having things blow up in my face,
I would have fantasies of walking into the ocean to drown out the noise of life.
And I would also fantasize about packing my bags and traveling until I ran out of money.
I was desperate to escape, berating myself daily for poor choices.
Today, I accept my shortcomings,
But also see the good in my life.
I do travel - I make sure I leave the country a couple times a year.
Mostly Asian adventures.
The change of scene,
The seeing friends/family there,
Being away from the chaos of life here,
Soothes my soul.

I just got back from a much planned, awaited and looked forward to trip.
It brought me back together with my favorite person in the world - my aunt.
We got an entire week of hanging out and traveling together.
It is a gift I will cherish always.
That exclusive time with her.
We have never ever had that much alone time together.
It didn't feel like four years had even gone by,
Since last we met.
We fell back into our usual pattern.
As my mom said,
When aunt and niece are together,
They are in their own world - the rest don't exist!

I also saw my best friend and college roommate get married.
I honestly don't think I could have been happier at my own wedding celebration!
The ten days away was also gratifying,
In that it made the boy realize he missed me.
He admitted it, plain and simple.
Saying I never missed you all these days.
But now you're so far away,
And I miss you.
And the affection and attention since I got back,
Confirm these weren't idle words.

So, really, life is pretty good.
I don't hate my job, I like my home,
I have a boyfriend...
(We crossed the six month mark -
A big deal for me).
This is my longest, real, adult relationship.
And yeah, there were a couple bumps on the way.
June/July were less than stellar!
But in the here and now,
I have wonderful friends and a someone to love.
Good enough.
Sure, the hunt for a new job should commence soon,
There are personal goals to tackle.
But overall, life has looked up.

Some of the people who populated my life,
Remain, and are closer and better than ever.
Others have come and gone.
Over the course of the four years.
At the end of the day.
I can say,
With certainty and yes, Pride.
I not only survived,
I thrived...