Feeling Ignored

I knew it was likely to happen,
Given the family pressures,
The visit from his sister.
Still, I did not expect it to bug me thus.
Its not so much that we are not able to talk for any length of time.
Rather, its that he's not giving me a heads-up,
As he has always done in the past.
And as I still definitely do each time.
A tinge of feeling ignored and being taken for granted,
Is creeping into me-and I really don't want that!

I got my little victory this week:
His okay, nay, more than that,
His acceptance to making our relationship public.
Yes, I appear to be one of *those* people,
Who felt the need to make it 'facebook official'.
Maybe if we were together in person,
It would not have meant anything much to me.
But given the long distance,
It was a good way through which I could feel we were really together.
Actually all I wanted was to say "in a relationship"
For each of us...was not expecting more.
He's the one who said, well how does that connect me to you?
Giving me the push to actually link us.
And that made me very happy, for sure.
Its a little thrill, to see that, on the page.
Its also pleasurable because I know it'll raise eyebrows.
Given that I've never ever been anything but single before this.

But this wobbly feeling from our lack of connectivity,
And feeling like he's not making the effort of before,
Makes me mad...and today, I did not hide it.
I sit waiting, an hour, two,
For him to get online.
He's either supremely late,
Or when he does show,
Its for a too short, hurried, distracted convo.
I understand it, on an intellectual level.
But hate it, on the emotional one...

For my mother

So, this was written almost a decade ago now,
But holds true, maybe truer still, today.
I have been searching for a copy, and duh, of course my mother had it!

ODE TO MY MOTHER
You gave me life,
You gave me shape.
You gave me a sense of self,
And the ability to think.
You gave me courage,
And you gave me confidence...
In my self and my abilities.
You did all this and more,
Not through any extraordinary acts,
But just by being "my mom."

I did not always heed your advice,
Or care for your words...
I deemed them lectures.
I never appreciated or even noticed,
All those little things you did for me.
Little, at the time...
But today, looking back,
I know they were important,
And helped make me who I am now.

Mom, I don't say it often,
And I can never say it enough...
Thank You.
For being you and for being my mom.
Maybe not the best one in the world,
But certainly the best one under the circumstances.
The best one for the time, place, situation.

So, we didn't (still don't!) always get along.
You thought I was cheeky and disobedient.
And I thought you were interfering and didn't have a clue.
But today, I know something different.
You were the best you could be,
And I wish I had been the best I could have been.
I was not, maybe still am not.
But I am trying to do my best,
Make you proud.

You held me when I needed to be held.
Oftentimes before I knew it myself.
Even today, when many thousand miles,
A few continents, and years apart
Come between us...
You can tell,
And you rush to provide your comfort.

We no longer have the same relationship
That we did in my childhood.
We are more equals now...
I no longer listen and pout.
And you never lay down the law and insist.
I never come crying when I get hurt,
And you can't kiss and make my hurts better.

Yet, on those occasions when I still need solace,
And "my mum,"
You seem to know, and in spite of the distance,
You reach out to me...
Quietly and discreetly.
Knowing that a direct approach
Will make me turn away--
My "adult" persona rejecting.
So, instead, you pose a gentle question,
Asking and checking with me,
Rather than reproaching me,
For my foolishness and silliness.

You show me, with a short phone call,
That you know, you understand, you care,
Despite all the things in your own life.
And the barricades that my adult self
Feels obligated to put up.

You have proven, once again,
As you have time and time again,
Year in and year out...
That I am so very lucky to be able
To call you "MOM."

tears and fears

Sometimes a good cry really is the only thing.
For emotional release, and in this case,
As a start to clear-thinking.
Fear giving way to anger.
Having been treated in a way I never expected last night,
I have been fighting the emotions, which are varied.
Anger, Hurt, Betrayal, Shock, Bitterness.
Bottom line: Have felt like crap all day.

To be told one is worthless, and unworthy,
Solely for the way one looks, is hurtful.
To have it done in an extremely macho,
Passive-Aggressive way, was blindsiding.
To have it said categorically,
And to my face
That the man I care so much about,
Could never ever be attracted to me,
Was a giant slap in the face.

To be told again and again,
That there is no "us" or "we"
Don't think he really likes you
Or could genuinely care for you,
Stop thinking of yourself as part of a couple with him,
Was distressing and annoying, in equal parts.

Had anyone else spoken to me thus,
Using my family, personality, life-style,
Any and everything about me,
As bait and condemnation,
I would have walked out,
Perhaps verbally torn the person to shreds.
But I was almost too horrified and amazed,
That someone would so utterly hate me, bait me, try to play me,
That my reactions were out of whack.

Not to mention knowing that this man was a dear friend to the one so important to me,
I let it go on for longer than I should have.
And now, am paying the price.
My ego is fragile enough when it comes to my
looks and love.
To have it so thoroughly shattered,
That too by someone I would not give the time of day to,
In any other situation (he is the kind of person I would have robustly and roundly derided in a social setting).
A small, cock-of-the-walk type.
Who apparently needs to put others down to feel better about himself.
For whom women are just pieces of meat,
And if they don't conform to his standards,
Well, then, they're to be dismissed.

I should not let it bother me,
I know this, in the rational part of my brain.
I have a lot going for me,
I am well liked, loved, even.
So why this intense reaction?
Perhaps because I went with so much excitement and happiness,
At meeting this friend,
Its as close as I can get to the man himself,
Right now.
I did not expect to be liked instantly,
Expected a reaction to how things are between us.
But to be dismissed and disliked so,
Utterly without consideration.

PS: Now this is for and about my man, not his ridiculous friend. I have to admit it-I love the man! He was very sweet and let me rave and rant about his rude friend for quite a while. Even apologized for him! And was happy that I had stopped being upset and was now just angry-thought my being unnerved or nervous about his reaction/change towards me as a result of the friend’s words, was silly on my part. It was a highly satisfying conversation where it was clearly an us vs. him (so-called best friend). HA! He said so how are you going to take revenge/get back at him? (He wanted me to say by losing weight). I said that apart, being your wife/fiancé/girlfriend is when I will be vindicated-I need nothing more. And he said, you’re that already.
I repeat:LOVE!!