tears and fears

Sometimes a good cry really is the only thing.
For emotional release, and in this case,
As a start to clear-thinking.
Fear giving way to anger.
Having been treated in a way I never expected last night,
I have been fighting the emotions, which are varied.
Anger, Hurt, Betrayal, Shock, Bitterness.
Bottom line: Have felt like crap all day.

To be told one is worthless, and unworthy,
Solely for the way one looks, is hurtful.
To have it done in an extremely macho,
Passive-Aggressive way, was blindsiding.
To have it said categorically,
And to my face
That the man I care so much about,
Could never ever be attracted to me,
Was a giant slap in the face.

To be told again and again,
That there is no "us" or "we"
Don't think he really likes you
Or could genuinely care for you,
Stop thinking of yourself as part of a couple with him,
Was distressing and annoying, in equal parts.

Had anyone else spoken to me thus,
Using my family, personality, life-style,
Any and everything about me,
As bait and condemnation,
I would have walked out,
Perhaps verbally torn the person to shreds.
But I was almost too horrified and amazed,
That someone would so utterly hate me, bait me, try to play me,
That my reactions were out of whack.

Not to mention knowing that this man was a dear friend to the one so important to me,
I let it go on for longer than I should have.
And now, am paying the price.
My ego is fragile enough when it comes to my
looks and love.
To have it so thoroughly shattered,
That too by someone I would not give the time of day to,
In any other situation (he is the kind of person I would have robustly and roundly derided in a social setting).
A small, cock-of-the-walk type.
Who apparently needs to put others down to feel better about himself.
For whom women are just pieces of meat,
And if they don't conform to his standards,
Well, then, they're to be dismissed.

I should not let it bother me,
I know this, in the rational part of my brain.
I have a lot going for me,
I am well liked, loved, even.
So why this intense reaction?
Perhaps because I went with so much excitement and happiness,
At meeting this friend,
Its as close as I can get to the man himself,
Right now.
I did not expect to be liked instantly,
Expected a reaction to how things are between us.
But to be dismissed and disliked so,
Utterly without consideration.

PS: Now this is for and about my man, not his ridiculous friend. I have to admit it-I love the man! He was very sweet and let me rave and rant about his rude friend for quite a while. Even apologized for him! And was happy that I had stopped being upset and was now just angry-thought my being unnerved or nervous about his reaction/change towards me as a result of the friend’s words, was silly on my part. It was a highly satisfying conversation where it was clearly an us vs. him (so-called best friend). HA! He said so how are you going to take revenge/get back at him? (He wanted me to say by losing weight). I said that apart, being your wife/fiancé/girlfriend is when I will be vindicated-I need nothing more. And he said, you’re that already.
I repeat:LOVE!!