Re: Matrimony

Its a topic I've been giving a lot of thought to, lately.
Not so much matrimony in its general sense.
Rather, my own, or more accurately, the possibilities
in/of that route.
A number of reasons for my thinking about marriage.
My mom visited for a month-it made relatives and friends
there and here wonder if my wedding was the reason (not).

I turned 29 this month, and from some improbable,
hitherto unknown crevice, a clock has begun ticking.
No, not the biological one-
I am as intent now as I was half my life ago,
About not reproducing.
Much as I love kids, I don't feel the need to bring more into this world. Its not such a wonderful place, imo, and if the urge to be a mother overtakes me, there are plenty of children out there who need parents, who have been abandoned or orphaned.

Rather, it is a settle down tick-tock,
Urging me to ground myself and find an anchor.
I have been a nomad for all of my 20s,
Beginning the journey at 18, when I came away
for college.
Finding myself still searching, still unsure,
Very much without roots,
As I approach the milestone of 30,
Gives me pause.

I guess somewhere along the way,
In childhood and later,
I absorbed that cultural/societal notion,
That one should be settled by 30,
Whatever "settled" means.
When I was younger I had not the slightest interest
in marrying.
In the last three or so years its become more
of a possibility,
Rather than the immediate rejection it brought to mind.
But I am also beginning to realize that
I never really expected to still be single at 29 going on 30.
I should rephrase that-not single as in unmarried,
But rather single as in without a significant other.

I am also owning up to the fact that the past few months,
I have completely stagnated.
Drawing out my current life
For no good reason,
Other than ennui and unwillingness to take the next step.
That next step being unknown or at the very least,
Risky and filled with hurdles, has not helped
my indecision.

So, when my mother brought up someone as a prospect for me,
It was both a shock and an almost welcome intrusion.
A shock 'cause I never thought my family would try to set me up.
Not really.
Yet welcome because this would solve some of my quandaries.
I would not have to figure out that scary next step.
No more wondering about where to go, what to do.
PhD? Job? India? US? Australia?
No, those decisions would be made.
I'd gain stability,
And the ability to remain exactly where I am now.
A place I love, and where near and dear ones live.

However, the truth is that this is just talk.
Between the "elders," as it were.
There is nothing to indicate that either this man or I,
Have any interest in one another.
It could be nothing more than the fond wish of parents
and grandparents.
Lets face it,
I am not the kind of person who says sure lets do it.
I would want to get to know this person,
Find out if we are compatible,
And can work as a couple.
I am not mercenary enough to enter into marriage
To solve my dilemmas or just to find a rock.

But the very fact that I am so open to traveling
this route,
Shows me how much I have changed,
And also that I am tired.
Tired of continuously fighting to stay,
Having to defend and calculate each decision.
Tired of bearing the weight on my broad shoulders.
Wishing for some companionship and warmth,
That I did not have to fight for,
Or generate through my own efforts.
What I need the most, it seems,
Is that someone in my corner.
And not just anyone,
But a mate, a life partner.

Whether I will find one,
Here, There, or Anywhere,
Is open ended.
The man my family wants me to consider.
The one from my past who demands consideration,
But cannot promise fulfillment.
Or perhaps a third and thus far unknown quantity?
Only time, patience, and continuing to tread,
One foot in front of the other,
Will likely tell.

Still, in the meanwhile,
So that I don't have unrealistic expectations,
Or set myself up for too much disappointment,
I am making my own map.
One that does not include marriage or men.

Write that thesis and graduate.
Take the year off from academia and working.
Travel and see the world,
Or at least parts of it.
I love to travel, I enjoy new places.
Yet I have done very little adventuring this century.
I have a little money,
Enough to take me a few good places and spaces.

Come on, I'm not quite 30!
If I don't do it now,
When again will I get the chance?
Life, work, things will get in the way.
Getting a year off is no easy task.
I don't have to save yet-I should spend what I have.
And learn and explore and travel.

So, thus, my idea is to bring in the big 3-0,
Someplace wonderful.
Perhaps with old friends, maybe with new.
The adventure in it is appealing.
I know that I will be safe enough,
And make friends.
I am just attractive enough,
Intelligent and witty enough,
To make an interesting companion,
Someone people will talk to,
But not feel the need to hit on.

So then, its a grand scheme,
Something to look forward to,
A goal for 2009.
Maybe crazy but quite doable,
A way out of my current inertia.