From Excitement to Disappointment

I tend to get excited when I meet someone interesting. Male or female, no matter.
Someone who I am impressed by and whose intellect and conversation are both scintillating and enervating to me.

Yet oftentimes, one is disappointed and early impressions fall on the wayside.
This happened to me recently, forcefully reminding me that it is not the first time either. Its something I have had play out over the years. Apparently, despite the experience, I am always pleasantly surprised and promptly forgetful of previous disappointments. I am glad of it, for I know I am jaded in many ways. So its nice to know that I have hope and can be optimistic at times!

This feeling is of course especially true when I come across a man I find intelligent, interesting, a good conversationalist, sharing interests and ideas similar to my own. Someone I am attracted to on a level that has nothing to do with looks or sex appeal or even flirtation. That truly is an exciting and rare occurrence! Perhaps my standards are high. Perhaps I am difficult to please and have unrealistic expectations. I think not, but perhaps it is so.

But it is not totally hopeless. I have met guys who managed to wow me. I remember now the handful or so times it has happened in the last five years. And honestly, the single time it has happened in the recent past. And when this most recent man fell from grace, I recalled some of the criteria I had for establishing previous winners, as it were. I realize yet again, how important it is to observe someone with their friends and to view their actions and interactions with the world in general.

To see how they behave and interact with older and younger people; those they perceive their equals, subordinates, or superiors; whether they are comfortable with those outside their own race/ethnicity, and whether those factors at all color their interactions. Do they become someone different when it is a fellow countryman versus an "other?" Do they begin to show signs of needing to impress the other, use cool language, be uppity? Can they handle being challenged when around their male counterparts? Do they treat waiters and service staff courteously and well? Do they seem comfortable in new situations or places where they are in the minority? A lot of questions, not all of which have to be answered satisfactorily, or even answered at all! But certainly a combination of such factors play. At least for me they do.

I will never forget how this man I know, on meeting my landlord who had just lost his mother, went up to him, shook his hand and offered his condolences. This, on their second, very casual meeting. It touched me deeply, and made me respect and admire my friend all the more. Or another man, who despite being the newbie and only outsider in our group, totally fit in and was able to make himself comfortable and behave appropriately with all. Me the potential girlfriend, my friends, my bosses, my professors...one and all, he made a good impression. One that lingered in me as well. I mention these now not because I am with either of these men, or even that they are paragons of greatness and etiquette.

I talk of things past in relation to the recent such man I met. First meeting, I thought him intelligent and witty and a mature individual. Second meeting confirmed it and some exchanged wordplay increased my appreciation. I almost felt a crush coming on, come to think of it. Third meeting-I was no longer so sure. I saw the show-off side, the competitive, narcissistic, oneupmanship side. A side I didn't particularly care for. The fourth meeting increased my discomfort. And then on our fifth meeting, I saw an aspect that turned me off. A cool dude, played for the "other." Not to mention a caveman response where I was expecting discussion. Disappointing, to say the least.

But then, a necessary reminder. A reminder about my own tendency to be eagerly pleased and awed by someone with intellectual capability and apparent likemindedness. A lesson worthy of repetition and relearning. I AM decided in my likes and wants. They are not about looks or age or whatever. They are, rather, about the intricacies and little things that can make or mar someone in my book. A book no one cares about but me, but hey its my book and I get to fill the pages any way I want, or more accurately, need. I live in my head a lot, and my brain generally beats out my heart. This too has played out in years and relationships of yore. So I will again remind myself of the importance of watching a man in action and seeing how he does in my eyes. Perhaps this is why I am single?! If it is, rather so than with someone who doesn't have it, even if the "it" is only in my head...