Unsure

The writing is on the wall.
I think I'm losing the battle for love.
Or is it in love?
It feels like the man I have slowly fallen
Back in love with
Is retreating from me.
It was a close to impossible situation to begin with.
I've known him since I was 12,
More than half my life ago now.
But we have always had shockingly bad timing,
No luck at a relationship together.
This time round is no different.
Continents, binding relationships, societal condemnation
Stand in our way.
But I thought we stood a chance.
Since the feelings were strong and tempting as ever.
I've swallowed my fears, worries, guilt...
Gone with the flow.
And now, the tide seems to be turning against me.
Perhaps I am being too sensitive?
But there are already so many things to worry about,
That his silence and withdrawal make me
Think bad thoughts.
And his seeming comfort with his current situation
Helps not at all.
Perhaps my recent "love you,"
Said with giddy joy on a special day,
Was too much for him?
Or maybe it was the admission he wanted,
And now I am being taken for granted?
Or maybe the holiday season has brought him closer to what he already has,
Causing him to reconcile himself to what is,
And not ponder on what could be?
I really don't know.
I have nothing but my own angst and fears to go on.
But the very fact that they can reopen old wounds
and dark thoughts,
Does not bode well for my own peace of mind.
It is not so much about crying or loss.
Rather, can I really have been that stupid?
Fallen for the same sort of thing yet again?
Why is it that I cannot be immune to this man's charms and words?
First love, yes, but why does he continue to have power over me,
Seventeen years later?
I deserve better than to be someone's second string.
And certainly, I do not deserve to be treated as an afterthought.
A convenient gal, there when he wants me, mouthing loving phrases.
But never with any real consistency or longevity.
I do not think I asked for a lot, not even much, really.
I accepted the situation, an awful one for me to be in,
I was ready to have things progress slowly,
Confusion and Animosity almost certain in the scheme.
But to be ignored, not even treated with that much respect and kindness,
To warrant a continuation of conversation and an even keel.
That is too much to let by.
So now, I think I have my answer.