Scared, for my Heart

It is getting increasingly hard for me to maintain my equilibrium. 
You've become the favorite part of my days.
Whether its the time spent talking to you,
In your arms, or just hanging out.

I knew from the moment I saw you,
That there was a possibility.
I remember my stomach doing a drop.
And thinking: "this could be trouble."
As you stood there,
Casually leaning against your car.
Long legs crossed,
Looking at your phone.
Beard and glasses and shaggy head.
But I never knew I would fall in love with you like this.

This is not about it being passionate and intense and crazy.
It's actually never been that combination.
It's been gentle and sweet and mostly happy.
After 10 months together,
I just feel like my day is brighter when you feature in it.
And that is great, when I get to see and talk to you.
But on those days it doesn't happen.
I am terrified of the effect - the gloom and dullness,
That wash over me.
I really don't want to feel like this.
But I don't know how to stop, either.

It's not about you, it's about me.
You haven't really changed your stance much,
From the beginning.
You call, you meet, you give,
As much as you can and want to.
But in my case,
You have become the center of my world.
I have told you I love you and am crazy about you.
That you mean the world to me.
You say you adore me, and love being around me.
But it's not the same and we both know that.

I am terrified of this effect on me.
I am very glad I have laid my heart bare to you.
Been honest and vulnerable about my feelings.
I am living my life authentically and honestly.
I am not suppressing anything,
Good or bad.

I am sure you find that a burden sometimes,
Dealing with my wants and needs and moods.
But, it's also the comfort level we've established.
And the liberty, nay, insisted upon openness,
That you've bestowed on me.

You are not perfect.
I am far from being so.
But despite the huge differences in our upbringings,
And in our way of living life.
We often think in line.
And are very attuned to one another.
We are taking it days, weeks and now months at a time.
In our minds and in our hearts,
We both know this relationship has an expiration date.
And though we've sworn to remain friends,
I oft wonder, what shape and form that will take?
After this romance comes to an end.

When circumstances send us on our separate paths in life.
Will an occasional hello and phone call or meet up,
Ever be able to replace this?
I am scared for my heart.
When it hurts thus at just not seeing you,
Imagine what it will feel like,
When you're no longer a part of my life.
I have no way of protecting myself,
Other than with frequent reminders.
That I will relish the memory of this loving when I am old.
That I should cherish and enjoy every moment,
For it won't last forever, this love.
And I will need these memories to hold me up.
To smile and remember with pain and pleasure,
The loving, the laughter, the joy...

Retreat and Recalibrate

You've suddenly gone "off."
And I know it's not about me, or us.
But I am not sure how to handle this.
From multiple daily calls, to nothing.
From WhatsApp messaging, to nothing.
From basking in the glory of your company, to nothing.
It's only day two, and I am already a mess.
I can't do without the interaction - I admit it!

Why oh why, do you men do this?
Establish a pattern of behavior,
And then suddenly just turn off?!
Are you testing me?
Or yourself?
Do you want to see if I will quietly remain by your side,
Or whether I will become needy and demanding?
Are you trying to make yourself concentrate only on work,
By not taking or returning calls and messages from me,
And from our friends too?
Is this that martyrdom returning?

You called late last night,
After not responding to two calls.
But then got cut off when your battery died.
Generally, you would have messaged in response -
To my calls, and definitely either at night,
Or this morning, given the abrupt cut off.
Nada, though.

When I said last night,
That I was concerned and got worried,
You said, I am like this,
Get used to it.
And called me a school child,
For worrying what was up.

I have told you before,
That I need to hear from you,
And that if there is some change.
Please just discuss it.
If I know what to expect,
It's all good - I will adjust accordingly.
But this sudden silence?
Well, that's getting me down.

I worry about whether things are okay at home.
Or if I said or did something to annoy you.
My past dictates this - when men withdraw,
It's generally been a phase-out,
And the end.
I have explained this too, to you.
So, give me the peace of mind, will ya?!

I have to retreat and recalibrate now.
Make myself stop wanting and missing,
Those day time calls, and messages.
I know it is temporary.
That you will miss me too.
And come back to normalcy.
Or, if there's a new normal to be established,
Let's do that, please.
But leaving me hanging, as you are now.
Is plain unfair and unworthy of you,
And the ten months I've invested in being with you.

I love you, so very much,
And have given you all of myself.
Why are you freaking me out?
What did I do to deserve it?
I know I have done nothing,
That its not about me.

Things have been so good,
By your own admission.
We are in a good place,
Even a couple days ago,
We laughed and giggled and had a whale of a time.
Why then do I find myself,
In floods of tears?
It scares me, that a couple days of you being withdrawn,
Can and do, have such an effect on me!

Can't you just say it straight out,
That you need a timeout?
Face me, meet me.
How you're handling it now,
Doesn't work.

I am a communicator,
I am a seeker,
I am a giver.
So communicate your needs,
Help me understand,
And I will give you what you need.
For that is what love means to me.
And you are the best love I have experienced.
Don't please don't make me regret giving you my heart.
And please be just a little kind to it.
It's the only one I've got!

I will give you your space.
I won't call or bug you.
It hurts like hell,
And yes, I will cry in private,
As I battle my own emotions and neediness.

You, who are generally so kind and sweet,
So affectionate and go out of your way.
If you are behaving thus,
Then you really need that timeout.
So take it, my love.
I will figure out my own emotions,
And how to deal with the fallout.
For again, my life is better for you in it.

But I worry that the time will come,
When I've done the yo-yo to such an extent,
That I won't be able to come back to the best high.
Then, you will feel the difference,
In every way, in every interaction.
And what we have, will end.
I would rather that didn't happen.

PS: You called, I was right - you are overwrought with family and work. And I immediately cheered up and blossomed just hearing your voice. This is what is the scary part for me - not about your moods, but about my reaction to them. Oh, what a fool in love I've turned into!

Mask Time

I am no one's first priority - I know this well.
But every single time it comes to the fore,
It hurts like hell.
People want sunny, cheery, bubbly me.
Not the gloomy or depressed version.
I, whatever my own demons,
Put them aside and am always there,
For my friends and loved ones.
Got a quick reminder today,
That it is foolish, unwise and irrational,
To assume I will get the same in return.
What I got instead,
Was a scolding,
And typical of a man -
Ways to solve my bad mood.
Not at all what I needed.
Yes he is super stressed,
So I best keep away.
Another friend too,
Did not seem to have much to say,
About my gloom.
So, bottom line: handle it alone.
Don't share, don't show.
Go inwards,
And pull out those masks.
The ones you've always had,
But had put away for years.
It's time to dust them off,
And start wearing 'em.
I am a pretty good actor.
And you know.
Give the audience what it wants.
Which is the happy smiley funny gal.
Whose house is always available to hang out at,
Who always lends her ear and her shoulder,
Gives advice and showers love and care.
The other side of her - the hurting, unhappy, unfulfilled, frustrated self?
She needs to remain out of sight.
She is neither wanted nor appreciated.
So, no one deserves to see the "real"me,
Or rather, all the sides of me.
I got seduced by that call of tell me everything,
Be your self, don't hide, and so on.
Bah!
On this, the first day of the last month of the year,
I have a new tactic:
SMILE SMILE and SMILE
Until it hurts to do so.
Grin and bear it,
Smile your hurts away,
And remember:
You and you alone are there in your corner.
You are not that important to anyone,
That they would put you first,
Beyond their own convenience and needs.
If you don't want to lose yourself,
Stop showing your true self.
It-just-ain't-worth-it...
The moonlight loses none of its lustre
Just because it is seen alone,
It will shine and bestow its beauty.
So don't be afraid to go it alone.
It is the best way forward.
Where hurt is less and friction too.
A smiling facade is the need of the hour.
And shall be employed, forthwith!