What is Love?

Whenever there's someone new in my life,
And there is a feeling of "potential"
The "L" word eventually comes up.
Definitely in one's head,
And it's also at least discussed
At least in terms of past failures,
And future hopes,
With the person at hand.
Even though the words aren't expressed to/for one another.

I think I have only said it first, once.
Of the three times I've been in "that" situation.
The first couple times, the man in question did,
And it took me a while to reciprocate.
I guess because the first time,
I was scared...and really young.
And the second, I didn't feel that way.
Eventually, convinced myself I did,
And said it back.

The third time,
It was a construct,
That distance, time and circumstances put together,
And I think I did say it first.
Or maybe he did?
I cannot remember.
And either way,
It ended up being illusory,
There was nothing other than the need to be in love,
And the want for a life partner,
That brought us together,
And eventually also tore us apart.

I realize, looking back,
That I have truly been in love once in my youth,
And once recently.
And the second time around,
It was a shock and surprise.
I really thought the ability had been beaten out of me!
And the fact that it was one-sided and with someone who was not a romantic partner,
But rather a friend,
Puts it in the unrequited and crush category.

Today, when I meet someone
And get involved,
I am wary, cautious,
And optimistic too.
But in general,
I realize...
I'm holding out on falling in love,
Its too scary, too dangerous, too hurtful.

I know love as something that just happens.
Not planned for or thought of seriously.
Where one day, you suddenly realize someone has become "that" person,
The one you don't make sense without.
Or the one you think of at random, intimate, sometimes inopportune moments!
And the first few times, you wonder why on earth that guy's in your head?!

Love is there, hiding in the shadows,
Waiting to pounce!
At least that's been my discovery!

The reason I am contemplating this weighty topic all of a sudden?
Heard a song a few days ago,
That for the age and stage I am at now,
Seemed to hit the nail on the head.
A song by Passenger called "The One You Love"
The lines in particular that caught my fancy:

"We’re all looking,
That’s what she said,
For someone to share our thoughts,
For someone to share our beds.

But if you find someone that doesn't try to change you,
If you find someone that doesn't have to blame you,
If you find someone you don’t need to explain to,
You've found the one you love."

So hold it near,
Cos love it comes so quickly and then it goes,
And be careful my dear,
Cos the very thing that makes you,
Could be the thing that breaks you,
You know."

These aren't sequential verses - the last one comes later in the song.
But it just rang so very true to me!
The hope that the first two paragraphs bring,
And the ideology.
The first stanza, so true,
It is the state of being of singlehood,
To be in search of someone to share one's life with,
Be it for a night, a week, a month or year or beyond.

The second paragraph brings to the fore,
What to me is the ideal situation,
One that isn't easy to come by!
I've been with people who cannot accept me as I am,
Who are critical and mean,
Who expect me to change but don't themselves.
Who blame and demean,
Rather than give space and understanding.
And I am not doing that anymore!

The last paragraph I've quoted above?
That's the cautionary tale,
Which lays out the potential for a broken heart.
For yes, as quickly as you fall,
With all the hope and passion,
Just as quickly can something come crashing around you.
Leaving you broken, confused and in pain.

But this I know to be my truth.
You cannot really choose or plan to fall or not fall in love.
You can neither command it to happen,
Nor can you guard against it.
Whatever words you spout and defenses you lay out.
When it's meant to happen,
It just - does.

Be Still, My Heart...And My Mind

So, one of my new year's resolutions was to just BE.
I spend altogether too much time and energy
Analyzing, thinking and giving credence to tiny things.
One of the "joys" of being someone who notices and remembers little details,
And the most random of statements, I suppose!
So I decided to work on keeping things simple this year.
If someone or something makes me happy,
I am going with it.
If it/they start to cause me unhappiness or bring on a bout of over thinking...
Au revoir!

I am getting good at not staying when unhappy...
I am learning to not keep banging my head against brick walls.
Learning to identify my own triggers,
Keep away from those that cause me to doubt myself,
And be wary of those who talk the talk,
But don't walk the walk.
In other words - go with the flow,
But be on guard for the bullshit.
Still, what happened recently has been a surprise.
A happy one, to be sure.
But nearly 2 months later, am still digesting the fact of it!

I met someone new.
We talked on the phone one night,
Met up the very next day,
And in a very short time, the whole thing moved into overdrive.
We spent quite a number of hours together over the first couple days.
Our first date lasted 9 hours -
Mainly because it was hijacked after 4 by my friends!
Inadvertently, but it actually made for a super fun and long, evening.
His comfort and ease with my guy pals was a bonus,
And our being together that many hours just made the connect better.

The attraction was strong and given into.
My being away for an entire week just after we met,
Was actually fuel to the fire.
Fanning the flames and leading to lots of phone time,
And conversation that was steamy.
At one point, I was ready to come home half way through vacation,
Conference and other plans be damned!
He said he'd come pick me up from the airport -
Sweet gesture, and the afternoon we spent together was amazing!

As days turned into weeks,
We got closer and more comfortable
Than either of us expected.
He is exactly what I need,
In oh so many ways.
From the way he is,
To the way he makes me feel.

My confidence is at an all time high.
I've been told, repeatedly over the last few weeks,
That I am glowing, looking different, seem happy and am giggly.
It took a while for me to notice,
But even I have to admit - I kinda am glowing!

I have been pulling out my cutest clothes,
Pulling off some rather sexy ensembles,
And shining in sarees.
He says I'm stunning, calls me gorgeous, and finds me hot.
And for once, I believe the words!
'Cause at this moment, I'm feeling them!

I guess this is what a happy romance looks and feels like then!
He makes me feel myself,
I don't have doubts or freakouts.
I don't think he's disappeared on me,
When he doesn't call one day.
I know its that he was tired,
Or worked long hours,
And just didn't reach out.

I give and get affection in equal measure.
He's demonstrative and vocal.
We see quite a lot of each other,
Sometimes, every single day for a week or ten day stretch.
Then work or an event might put a few days in between.
But the thing is,
It doesn't mess with my mind.
I know if not today, then tomorrow.
I don't need to see him or hear from him every day,
Or have the insanely long phone conversations we do.
I want to - and therein lies the difference!

I've done some silly stuff,
From getting super drunk to throwing a mini tantrum.
He has steadily, patiently and kindly put up with it.
I have also demanded his time and attention,
And if he can, he has given them to me.
The thing is, I rarely have to do that.
It's abundantly clear -
When he's free, I see him or we talk.
The long phone calls,
Especially after already spending a few hours together,
When he leaves me, goes home and then calls again.
And the 'oh I just came to see ya for a short while' moments,
That end up lasting for 5 hours, are proof!

I also have him to thank,
For one of the most romantic moments of my life.
And when you've been dating (albeit sporadically),
Since the age of 13, that's saying a lot!
He took me on a drive,
We went to this bridge.
Listened to music from the car,
Watching traffic below us,
And talking and being cozy.
It was such a small, simple moment.
But oh, one I'll remember and cherish.
And when I teasingly asked how many women he'd taken there,
His matter of fact response of you're the first,
Was heart melting!
As endearing as when he brought me food from home,
That his mom had made.

My friends who've met him like him,
My closest guy friend locally loves him!
His friends that I've met love me too :P
I am a few years older,
And perhaps more worldly wise.
But emotionally, he's the steady one.
I admire his constant nature,
His ability to focus and concentrate on the task or person at hand.
Just as I don't hear from him when he's busy with work,
When we're together, I have his full attention.

I love that he says what he's feeling when it comes to us.
Straight out, without reservation or discomfort.
When I was feeling a bit shaky,
Feeling like it had progressed so fast,
And was not just a fling,
That we'd fallen into a rhythm,
Become important to each other.
When such thoughts were in my head,
They were mirrored in his -
And he vocalized them first!
Then when he kept saying one night that he would be too busy to meet,
Didn't know when next we'd hang out,
The thought crossed my mind that he was giving me a hint,
Maybe withdrawing, pushing me away.
He instinctively understood that,
And again, said it out loud, and teased me.
Acknowledging my fears, and thus banishing them!

We, without planning,
Met up on what was the anniversary of our first meeting.
I mentioned it, casually, more as a point of fact.
Not because it was a celebratory moment -
I really cannot be sappy and celebrate monthly anniversaries and such!
He cutely pointed out that we had passed a fear of mine,
That we'd made it past the first date, first month and that the second would pass too,
And he would still be around - my trepidation notwithstanding.
That night, I realized how much he takes in and notices,
Of my yammering and sometimes unspoken thoughts!
Hearing, understanding and assuaging my fears.
Fears that have arisen from past disappointment and abandonment.

I have never, ever, felt this good with someone.
Where it's not just lasted beyond the early dates,
Or initial haze,
But in fact, is just strengthening each day.
Where I don't have crazy thoughts running in the back of my head.
I am being so open and ask for what I want
We talk everything through.
He makes me blush ridiculously,
And also giggle and laugh and feel happy.
I have been accused by a couple of friends of behaving like a teenager again!
Thing is, never did that as a teen!

I feel lucky for his presence in my life.
I told him that, right out.
He's a good man,
A genuinely nice guy,
Caring and sweet and gentle.
We have hit it off on every level.
We make each other happy.
And we are enjoying each other,
Fully, without reservation,
And taking life as it comes.

I know he makes me content.
He has also, in a few short weeks,
Helped subdue doubts and demons,
That have been in the shadowy recesses of my mind.
He's the right man, at the right time.
So thank you universe,
For the gift of this man.
And for my being in the perfect place and space in my life,
To enjoy and appreciate him!