Success v. Failure

What exactly is "success"?
And its inverse, "failure"?
I suddenly find myself contemplating the question for longer than usual.
I tend to not conform to the traditional norms of these two phrases...
Money, power, position do not necessarily mean success.
Nor do education/degrees, marriage and kids, fancy gadgets, cars, home ownership.
I have always believed its a completely individual thing,
Measuring one's success or failure.
I think myself supremely successful in a few aspects.
And an incredible failure in others.

I am well aware that in the eyes of most
I have not lived up to my "potential"
And am wasting my life,
Spending too many years hidden in the ivory towers of academe.
I have not made the best use of my "looks".
Have been accused rather, and often, by those near and dear,
Of not taking care of myself, letting myself go.
As my mum so kindly pointed out the other day:
Stunning from the neck up, total disaster below that.

I've grabbed onto every opportunity for employment that came my way, during and since college.
Clear that money was important to my continued independence and thereby, happiness.
Yet, it is also true that I could not convert any of those jobs into stability and long-term prospects.
No green card or ability to remain and work here in my adopted country without jumping through hoops.
There were a couple times I came close:
Once to be denied by the powers that be,
The other time unable to convince people to bet on me.
Had it happened, I would be in such a different place in my life by now, right?
Maybe, maybe not.
I tried, it didn't happen, I moved on.
Story of my life, come to think about it.

Especially the story of my love life.
One could say I've hindered myself in this aspect.
By being overweight, by being a smart-ass,
By being too sure of my intellect,
And completely unsure of my appeal.
By not suffering fools gladly or giving in to overt advances.
By generally falling for the absolutely wrong type of guy.
Or not wanting the guys who wanted me.
By being a friend, and 'one of the guys'.
Rather than presenting myself as a girl to 'get'.
By being too easy going, undemanding, non-committal.
By spending too many years senselessly in love with the same man.
By turning down marriage proposals and being completely against the idea for myself.

But as I write this list, I realize that for the most part, I enjoyed the ride.
The kissing of the frogs,
The mild flirtations and friendships that went nowhere.
Ugh, yeah, could have done without the heartbreak,
The stomping on my ego and such.
But they were certainly learning experiences!
Perhaps readying me for when the right person comes along.
So I can recognize the goodness, kindness, sincerity.
So I will appreciate the honesty and depth.
So I won't be invested in superficiality or blinded by physicality or sentimentality.

Having created a long and woe-begetting list of failures,
Let me get to my successes, such as they are.
I am so lucky in my family and friends.
I am so deeply and constantly grateful for their love, kindness, and support.
Be it my parents, grandmother, aunt, close friends.
I am proud of this: I have nurtured and maintained my relationships over the years.
Its not even about the 400+ friends I have on Facebook.
Though I do know most of them from real life.

Its about the fact that when personal disaster strikes,
Or even just a kvetching mood,
I have a choice of people to reach out to.
Some are a short drive away.
Others a local phone call away.
And yes, some many thousands of miles away,
Yet there for me via webcam or chat.
I have some really solid people in my life,
Who will give me advice,
Tell me when I'm being an idiot,
And hold me through my tears.
I have those who miss me since we're parted,
When jobs and life have distanced us physically.
I have a 3 year old whom I adore and cherish,
And to whom I am a friend.
I also have an 80 year old who is my friend and loved one.

I can also count being 31 years old,
In reasonably good health,
With no debt (and never having accumulated any),
Independent fiscally, physically, emotionally.
Possessing a certain way with words and language,
Having people listen when I have a microphone in hand,
Writing and communicating rather well,
As success.
Alongside the knowledge (and yes, hope)
That I am considered quirky, lively, loyal, smart, intellectual, out-going, able to hold my own, a strong personality and person, someone whose company is enjoyable, whose advice is sound, whose thoughts are appreciated, who will be missed when she can no longer be there (I am not talking death n dying here, just plain, simple geography).

Yes my car is old and beat up.
Yes I live simply and do random stuff like babysitting and tutoring for a little pocket money.
Yes I have neither career nor husband or house.
(Former I am somewhat surprised at; latter, definitely not).
Yes I have an overabundance of degrees.
Yes I am wacky and odd and talk too much.
But I still seem to manage to love and be loved,
And am beloved to some.
Do I doubt myself?
Sure, perhaps more than the average person.
But do I also believe in myself?
Sure thing-I know I can manage wherever life takes me.
Whatever is put in my path,
I can make do and make the best of the situation.
So yes, a job and career will be forthcoming.
And finding someone to love,
Who loves me back.
With whom I can spend my life,
Is just the cherry on top,
Of a life well spent,
Even if not so well executed!

Can I do this?

The arguments and irritants have become too often.
It seems that I cannot do right by you,
For more than a day,
Before something blows up in my face.
If it’s a question of familiarity breeding contempt,
Then we should cool off, disengage.
Not talk for hours on end each day.
Even though it hurts to say that, much less actually do it.
It is, perhaps, necessary.
This daily, intense connection is right to me.
For my happiness and literally, ability to make it through the day.
But clearly we are also fighting more because of it.

Something needs to change, but I don't know how or what.
Perhaps we should put a timer on the conversations.
No rambling on for hours,
The time to say goodbye unyielding.
I do not want to be charged again with keeping you from your life:
Your routine, your meals, your work.
Causing you to feel exhausted,
Aches and pains intensified by the hours sitting.

My ability to face you when upset/annoyed is not good.
It is exhausting emotionally.
Seeing that dark cloud in your expression is like a slap in the face.
Its all too intense and gut wrenching.
I don’t want that, for either of us.
I don't want to be hurt and upset by your words,
Your anger, your irritation at me.
Often over things that I cannot possibly change.
Especially when it happens every other day,
And when we go from happy and laughing one minute,
To me being berated the next.
Know that I love you,
But also know that I cannot fight you.