An outpouring of?

 Oh the world of/in/after Covid!

I seem to have turned into a rather anxious person these past months. 
Not the trait I or anyone who knows me, would have associated me with!
Whether it is traveling solo, something I lived for and did a lot of pre-pandemic,
Or questioning my abilities when it comes to writing,
Or even when it comes to relationships, be it friends, lovers, or family.
I’m jittery. And it takes very little to get me there, too!

I really didn’t have much to say on here these past few years.
Life had an acquired momentum: mundane job, food and drink, friends,
Made up the usual week, month, year…
Then of course 2020 happened.
To us all.
I was lucky to have friends on the same street, so I was not completely isolated in lockdowns.
I also had a special someone, an honest to god boyfriend.
Was not looking for one, didn’t expect to acquire one at 40!
The daily connects and video calls kept me sane.
I didn’t really complain too much about loneliness and lockdown.
Working from home full-time suited me, too.

But then came 2022. And with it, somehow, from somewhere, ANXIETY.
I realize some of it is related to age and hormones,
Some to family issues and forever being put down.
Some yes to that same boyfriend.
Our relationship went from loving and cute,
To questioning, suffocating, unbearable.
I held on for as long as I could.
And then I just couldn’t anymore.

Ending it was such a weight off my chest.
To not have to worry about how he’d take something.
Or figure out how to spin my having met up with a friend,
Or planned a vacation, or basically even slept early and not responded to messages,
For not being “in the mood”...felt like I was walking on eggshells.

There were times when my being slightly needy caused a reaction.
Other times, I was accused to giving love and attention to everyone but him.
He talked a good talk, but at the end of the day, was never able to be there for me.
Somehow when I really needed him, he couldn’t give.
And yet for two years all I did was give and give.
By the end, I was drained – reached a point where I had nothing more.
I invested in him in every way, wanting him to succeed, wanting him to be happy.
But he just got more and more angry and miserable, and me, more unsure.

So I ended it, and it broke my heart.
I miss the good times and the dear sweet man-child he could be. I understand now, that I enjoyed mothering him, weird as that may sound. Liked taking care of him, being friend/lover/guide. He was mine to love and protect. I miss his hugs, and the nonchalant way he’d kiss me hello or bye in public. How he insisted that we end the day only after talking to each other. I miss having someone to spend weekends with, make the simplest of plans like what to cook, what to watch, where to go. A partner who had to dance with me when I demanded.

A little something with someone happened recently, months after this ended. Frothy and light are the terms of engagement. Ironically, it is making me miss him more. But I also know he was too emotional, too insecure, too filled with rage and hurt from his past. And unwilling to work through it. So, it had to be goodbye…

As for this remaining anxiety, it is affecting my ability to concentrate, focus, work.
I can’t watch a movie or show anymore without stopping every 20 mins or less.
I – who could binge watch an entire show in a day and night!
Same goes for research and writing – my bread and butter!
I have also lost confidence and comfort in my ability to write what I have to for work.
Might be a weird analogy, but it reminds me of how I felt about cooking for many years.
Too much responsibility – I’ll do the dishes instead! I have no issues editing and rewriting and such. But creating grips me in anxiety. 

Hot flashes, racing heart, sleeplessness. These gifts of being at the age and stage I am,
Don’t help any, either!
Neither does the guilt I feel for oh so many things.
Whether it is the fractured relationship I have with my mother;
That my dad is who, what, where he is.
That I can and should be a better daughter to them both.
We are each of us, alone, struggling, unable however to be one family unit.
But for my mental health, I know without a doubt, that I cannot do more or be around either,
Any longer than I manage now.

I also am working through other unnamed, unprocessed, feelings.
Of not doing my best at work, just doing the minimum to keep from failing or it becoming obvious how lackluster I am.
Of being with someone so much younger and at such a different stage of life, than me. 
Of giving in to the comfort of this boy knowing full well it is temporary. But unable to deny myself this little bit of fun and romance. Even this is causing anxiety! 

I know I want more for myself, I hope for it, and tell myself too, that I deserve more. 
But the reality is, he’s here in the present and he does make me smile. I always feel things and people happen in life for a reason. 
I’m also vaguely amused that I attract the young ‘uns. After all when I was their age, I liked much older men!
Irony of ironies, right?! I also am cognizant of and grateful for being able to indulge in the loving that comes my way.
Yes once again I find myself giving and doing more, taking care of – but I love making another happy.
And so it is, a lesson learnt about myself – I take  pride and pleasure in making others smile,
In doing for them, in small ways, that are not life changing, but mood enhancing and happiness producing. I have always been so with friends, now have reached a stage where I’m like that with a lover too.
Enough of games and rules, and terms and conditions, thank you but no thank you.
I’ll be me: warm, loving, crazy, silly.
The fact is that l have so much love and affection still, to give... 

When the shoe is on the other foot

 In a strange and twilight zone like year,

There have been many ups n downs for every single one of us. 

The year began with a huge loss for our family.

There were a multitude of bumps in the first few months.

And now as we are in the last month of this year,

A really bad decision is staring me down.

 

I am not successful at a whole lot.

Rather the kind who floats along,

Taking things as they come.

But one thing I have always been,

And prided myself on being,

Is a good, really good friend.

I value my friends and close friendships above all else.

Friendships have eroded or ended in my life.

I have mostly been on the receiving end of the hurt.

 

For possibly the first time,

It is I who have done the other wrong, 

Of judgment, of thought, of action - or rather inaction.

And that has made me be the cause of hurt to one of my closest friends.

Someone I respect, admire, love and who has been a pillar of support.

Steadfast, steady, strong and level headed.

I turn to her in times of happiness and sadness,

To share the big and the small.

And I have the privilege of her doing the same.

 

Now I ask, will we get back to that bond? 

We, who have never exchanged an angry word, much less had a fight.

Who have made one another family, and who know things no one else does.

The idea of not being integral in her life or having her in mine, is unthinkable.

 

It is I who have fucked up. Wholly and stupidly.

There is no excuse, no explanation, no words to make it better.

All I can do is wait for is her to work through it.

And decide that I am worth keeping around as her best friend! 

What I feel the most stupid about,

Is that it is over something that gave me no pleasure,

Rather it was awkward, to be tolerated, and I learned to compartmentalize.

Treat it as an aberration to be dealt with and not thought of beyond that.

 

In my attempt to be nice and kind to another, I lost perspective.

And in the process have broken the heart of someone more dear to me than family.

I have cried, I am mad at myself, and I am also numb.

With fear of losing her, with empathy for how she is feeling.

I feel those shards that I have placed in her heart, like they are in my own.

In the day since it happened,

There have already been a dozen or more instances,

Where I wanted to ask or tell her something.

Send her a meme or a joke or an article.

But I will stay away, as I told her I would.

Until she is ready and able to talk to me again.

Whatever action she deems fit,

I will accept and abide by.

Mea culpa, mea culpa.

Wanted: The Beast

I went and watched the new live action Beauty and the Beast today.
It made me teary in some parts, puzzled me in others, and was that little bit magical too.
Afterwards, what stuck with me was that I need a Beast in my life.
And no, before you start on the sex jokes, not like that.
The Beast, for the better part of the story, is what?
A gruff, crusty, scary exterior, with a soft and sweet inside.
See, I tried dating Beauty - that worked out not too well.
A pretty exterior with a vain, self-centered, egotistical and narcissistic interior.
Stay Beast always, I don't need the transformation to gorgeous Prince.
As long as the inside remains the gentle and kind giant.
Who will do things because it will make me happy,
Who will work for my happiness,
And treat me with care.
I will take a gruff and grumpy Beast with a crumbly and loving nature,
Over the suave, well-spoken handsome guy who woos you,
And then down the road, shows his true colors.
He can never get out of his own self to actually care for you.
So tata Prince Charming, Hello Beast!

When did it all get so bad?

I find myself crying almost every day of recent.
The small but significant hurts you're constantly sending my way,
Are really taking it out of me.
It's not that I am crying for you or for the relationship
(Not that it is even one, anymore).
I am crying for the very giant screw up my love life is.
And thus by extension, my life in general.
And for how I am unable to extricate myself from it.
I feel like a fool.
In fact, I am one.
Foolish, Stupid, Idiotic, Blind.

I wish I could just close the door,
Walk away, not look back.
Cut you out, cut you off.
We can be acquaintances,
At a level where your bullshit doesn't affect me.

You know, your active Tinder profile,
Your chatting with women on there.
You're constant checking out of other women.
And your sudden spells of ignoring me,
When partying with your fuck face friends.
And oh yeah, the blatant lying.
It feels like you only ever tell the real story anymore,
If I already have the facts on hand from another,
Or if I catch you out.

How about your complete and utter disregard for how I see things,
Or how your actions affect, disparage, hurt me?
Cause, you know, that's not how you see it or meant it.
Thus, it's all in my head, and you're just being you.
Whereas I am a doubting ninny,
Throwing tantrums, being dramatic.

I am sad for the devolution of what was once a happy relationship.
Sure, we always knew marriage was off the cards,
But the plan was to be happy, together, and enjoy ourselves.
And there was mutual trust, respect and care,
And effort to think of the other person.
When you told me stuff,
And didn't find excuses to ward me off,
Or lie and prevaricate.
When you actually made an effort for not me, but us.

How can I think those terms are still valid,
When you're flirting on Tinder,
When you don't see anything wrong in being active on a dating site,
'Cause that's just you, alleviating your boredom.
Saying you're just swiping and sometimes talking,
Not meeting or actually sleeping around.
(Oh gee, thanks for the reassurance!)
And when the small gestures of good morning messages,
Or goodnight calls, no longer happen?
At least, not with consistency.
And how can they?
When you have so many "choices"?

Sure I can do the same,
And indeed, am trying to.
De-prioritizing you happened.
Not feeling bad when you don't call and message happened.
Completely cutting off your friends happened.
And now, I have even started talking to others.
Sure, I am taking all those steps.
But it's the little pieces of my heart I feel flaking away,
With each such "adjustment",
That make for an irretrievable loss.

As I recently said to you,
I am tired out and don't even see the point of arguing anymore.
Or calling you out on your crap.
For my concerns and feelings are just dismissed by you.
Apparently, if you don't mean it the way I take it,
Then you're absolved of all responsibility.
Who cares if I am hurting?
Who cares that my friends think I am a fool,
And avoid interacting with you?
Who cares that I am constantly sad,
Alone and lonely,
Even when you're around?

And why should you see it my way?
After all, I turned myself into quite a pretzel,
Giving you my all, and my everything.
My love, my trust, my care, my money even.
It's not at all your fault.
It really and truly is mine,
For being a woman in love.

Venting

I don't want to fight with you.
But your recent actions are baffling.
Perhaps you don't realize it, but what you are doing is pushing me away.
And hurting my feelings.

See, when I want to eat out you will say you have to save money,
Or that you cannot eat out as it's unhealthy.
And you need to focus on your fitness.
Then you go to a favored hole in the wall with the boys,
Or other places with them.
Or go drinking and eating out when someone else takes you.

Or you leave me early saying you have to sleep and have an early start.
But when your gang wants you out and about,
Well then time has no meaning nor apparently does your beauty sleep.

Now you say you prefer not to meet me for an hour or just go to dinner.
I make faces it seems, and don't let you leave.
So many times we have done just dinner or whatever.
Or you pick me up from work and spend a little time,
And then leave because you have stuff to do at home.
Or so you say.

Why this sudden distancing?
You have more than once this past couple weeks said
"I didn't want to meet you so I didn't."
After coming to my neighborhood.
That's so weird!
You not coming from the half a dozen miles distance that's between our homes,
I get (sort of) and don't complain.
Even on a night when I really needed someone to comfort me,
I didn't ask or expect that you would come back.
And guess what, you didn't.
You really should have been there with and for me that day.

You have no empathy, I have come to realize.

I asked you last week and now I am asking again.
Do you not want to see me anymore?
Are you bored or maybe want something new?
Is your newfound success and the attention of so many,
Blinding you to what you have in hand?
Or maybe you don't appreciate it anymore,
And have taken me and what all I do, for granted?

I have given you so very much.

Blinded by love, and trusting you fully,
I never even blinked.
I gave of myself.
I allowed my home to become a hangout and party place for your friends.
They who now disrespect me, are rude and say vicious stuff about me.
And you of course, never counter it and in fact,
Seem to feed their misconceptions about what we are.
Do they know all I've done for you?
The loan you've taken from me?
No, they are under the impression you do so much for me,
And I am ungrateful and never happy and always wanting more.
Impressions you've fostered, apparently!


You take my home as a second home to you as well.
You want me to give you love, attention, and my ear.
I should be always "on" and available.
But you, you can be "off" and I should accept it as who you are.
Guess what - nope, done doing that.
If you cannot respect me,
I would prefer to not be with you.
I still care for you and am unable to break the bond.
But...


I will just go into the background and disappear.
If you don't want me in your life that's your right.
But making me feel unwanted is not.
I deserve better.

Tiresome

This is what me giving up on "us" looks like.
I am not confronting you on your usual half truths and lies by omission.
I am not pointing out that you didn't call me for a couple days.
That you're doing the withdrawn thing again, for no fault of mine.
I am not bothering - I am still noticing, and of course, feeling the usual pinch,
That such behavior causes.
But, I am not acknowledging it, not bringing it to your attention.
There's no point anymore.
You are what you are, and see no reason to make amends,
Or in any way cater to my needs.

After all, on a five night vacation,
You had zero qualms leaving me behind for two of those nights,
While you wandered away with a friend one night, and the second time, were supposedly "alone".
Your definition of alone amuses me, and yes, irritates me too.
Today too, you said you were going to do something alone,
After I asked if you'd like company for the long drive.
And then I figured out that it was your version of alone.
Where you didn't want me, but are taking the same arse of a friend with you.
If I point it out, you'll say you took him 'cause he would drive.
You are so tired and exhausted from driving and working all day, blah-blah-blah.

What I have realized is this:
You lie and withhold information.
It's who you are, and how you are.
Whether it's with your family, friends or me, the so-called gf.
You never share information properly, and you get annoyed when asked.
It's irksome, I find it disrespectful too.
But again, c'est la vie.
You also are inconsistent and moody.
You will suddenly switch off and barely message/call/respond.
When just the previous or even the next day,
You will be in frequent touch.
In order for me to be able to cut these ties,
To reduce my emotional attachment to a manageable level,
I have to stop - stop wanting, stop asking, and stop reacting.
When I achieve that, and it will take time, effort and pain,
I will be ready.
To be in this relationship or to end it,
Whatever be the right call.
But on an equal footing anyhow.
Where I am not the emotional, hurt party.
Where you mean as much or as little to me,
As I do to you.
Where the irritants of your "this is how I am, I won't change" spiel,
And the ever-present pity party of how burdened your life is,
Will not make me lose it.
Either to cry in frustration, or melt in empathy for your hardships.
Just - Enough.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Putting these words down could well mean the end is nigh.
That we lasted a year is I think much longer than anyone predicted.
We definitely didn't start off with such an expectation.
I wanted to reach that landmark, am so glad we did, and happily.
Not in any way dragging it along just for the sake of it.
But oh, the irony.
Before 12 months translates to 13,
Your behavior, talk and actions make me realize.
That maybe that expiration date is fast approaching.
We could well survive some months more,
But it would seem that life is giving us some signs...

Why?
1. We don't see much of each other anymore. When we do it's for a specific purpose and that's often the extent of the interaction.

2. You are not actively engaged in the 'us' anymore. You claim work pressures are causing it, and its also why you aren't in a mood for sex. You gave me a lot of time, attention and affection in our first year and if that's changing, and for the worse, it is bad.
3. You sound like a broken record - same explanations, same litany of responsibilities, same reasons and moods and conversations.
4. I am finding the company of your friends increasingly nauseating. And the influence of one in particular, bothers me. You and he are forever checking out other women and even discuss sleeping with and meeting others - that's plain disrespectful to the people you're with. Oh yes, I do know that you have and continue to, talk to girls online...you've mentioned a couple of instances; others I have discovered. Just because you haven't acted on this, and gone and slept with another, does not make it okay. It shows you're restlessness, and more so, that you are juvenile. It's what boys do - check out women and keep looking for that stimulation and next lay.You think that being honest about it means it's okay - nope, not really. You assured me that your giving me less time did not mean you were out chasing other women or sleeping with someone else. I never thought it did - until you brought it up.
5. You said this week, outright, to expect nothing at all from you. Not calls, meeting/seeing one another, or the attention that you've thus far bestowed on me. You say I get "disappointed" when you don't show or come hours late, so it's better I expect nothing and make my own plans and not include you or count on you. But of course, when you're free, I'll be the person you call and meet.
6. You said I would not be able to fit into your family or adjust to them, and so you are not looking at marriage between us. You won't leave home, must continue to live with them. And of course, a girl of
my upbringing and background can't live with them. You can't just decide that solo - it's also my choice to make. The conversation has to be about whether we want to or can see ourselves spending the rest of our lives together.And then, what the requisite adjustments will be.
7. You've said a couple times recently that your family expects you to marry this year, and are actively looking for a wife for you. So we continue until that happens? Or you decide to introduce me and see if they would even be remotely open to the idea of accepting me? You said, when I posed these questions, that you don't know, but yes, those are the options.
8. Your words and actions have caused me to withdraw a little, and stop wanting to do for you as much as I used to. I've put you first, even ahead of myself. I remind you that bills need paying, errands need doing - indeed often I do online ordering, shopping and errands for you and your family. And I have done it expecting nothing in return, out of love and happiness.
9. You want all the privilege of being my guy without any of the responsibility. You say you want me to live my life and expect nothing but you also think you will continue to pop by whenever it suits you or you have time for me, and things will be exactly the same. Errrr. Ever heard of nurture? Of watering the plant/flower? Neglect equals wilting, my darling.


I've offered you the out, a few times now. Said we can break up, just be friends. Have clearly asked, are we still bf/gf? And made it clear that once it ends, I will not be able to give you priority or see you one on one much. That it will be painful and hurt...but you don't get it.
You chided me for the suggestion, saying why do you always go to breakup? And you always are firmly yes when I ask if we're still a couple. But on the other hand, when I complain or say I feel neglected, you go back to the whole martyr stance: too busy, no right to disappoint another, should not get into a relationship, etc. As I always say, about a year too late for that!
Another night, when I asked you what you want of me, and what the future holds, you actually brought up marriage - I didn't, will not and never have - but in a self-serving way. It's clear you are too confused in your own head. And that autonomy is something you never had.
Maturity means making space and place for everything in your life - not quitting the moment the tough gets tougher. In fact, that's one reason I am holding on: I refuse to be the kind of person who ran out the moment it got tough or boring. I want to stand by you, be that supportive woman in your life. But, for that you have to at least give me a little. 
I am no longer head over heels for you - but I do still love you and feel so tenderly for and about you. I love your company and have so much fun around you. But I feel jaded and unappreciated, under-cared about, and yes, even though I love you and always will appreciate the time we had together, I am starting to wonder...