I Know Not, How I Feel
I guess I really can't keep the demons away.
The wayward voices in my head.
The little fears, the niggling doubts.
I have been trying so hard to take each day/week/month as it comes.
To not make castles in the clouds,
To not make plans or have hopes that extend into the far ahead.
Because I don't generally live my life like that.
I don't plan for way into the future,
Lord knows, its not needed,
And the few times I have dared to,
It's ended terribly.
But emotions, they are not controllable.
At least, I don't have that power.
I knew I could fall, quite hard.
I knew, because that's what happens in these situations.
And when you have a man as sweet and nice as I do.
It is but natural progression.
Once you make it to a certain juncture,
When fun and games get that added layer.
Of emotional fulfillment and sharing.
When you are having such a good time together.
When there is happiness to be gained together.
It is but expected that I'll want it to continue.
But I am not looking at marriage or even forever.
I am looking to enjoy it all,
For as long as it makes us both happy.
I knew, all along,
That I would be the one displaying more.
Showing her affection,
Needing the time together.
I like that dose of interaction,
And a conversation, be it voice or chat,
To end the day.
His giving me his time and seeing me whenever possible,
Are indications of his caring.
That I am his first stop when he's free says it all.
That my home is where he's to be found,
When he wants a little r&r,
My company is the one he seeks out when done with his responsibilities.
I get affection, I get attention,
I get time and I get fun.
But now, I am scared,
For myself.
For it's always on the other's terms.
I know he's busy, I know he's got tons on his plate.
That he sees me whenever he can/wants to.
But if I want, I cannot expect to have it fulfilled.
It's not about him, actually.
It's about me.
That someone has become this important.
I really didn't expect or even want that.
But it's happened now, and I don't know how to go forward.
I have been warned, multiple times,
That interactions will be limited and restricted to once a week,
Maybe even less,
In the coming months.
I guess if I have that boundary for sure,
I can and will live by it.
But right now,
I wait every evening,
In the hopes of that call or message,
Saying are you free? Shall we meet?
I don't like that I am doing it.
But I know I want to see him whenever possible.
Even a little time in his company makes me glow.
Last week, I saw him almost every evening,
But this week, it's been just once.
And he's not even calling each night,
Like he faithfully used to.
Too tired, slept early, and so on.
And though I should be okay about that,
In truth I am not.
He's never disappeared on me,
He has at least messaged during the day.
But I do enjoy a few minutes of sharing.
Hearing his voice and about his day,
At the end of it.
The pleasure of his company,
Even when I'm being a brat,
Or being annoyed at him,
Leave me warm and fuzzy.
I miss him - I don't want to,
I really don't.
But I know not how to stop!
The wayward voices in my head.
The little fears, the niggling doubts.
I have been trying so hard to take each day/week/month as it comes.
To not make castles in the clouds,
To not make plans or have hopes that extend into the far ahead.
Because I don't generally live my life like that.
I don't plan for way into the future,
Lord knows, its not needed,
And the few times I have dared to,
It's ended terribly.
But emotions, they are not controllable.
At least, I don't have that power.
I knew I could fall, quite hard.
I knew, because that's what happens in these situations.
And when you have a man as sweet and nice as I do.
It is but natural progression.
Once you make it to a certain juncture,
When fun and games get that added layer.
Of emotional fulfillment and sharing.
When you are having such a good time together.
When there is happiness to be gained together.
It is but expected that I'll want it to continue.
But I am not looking at marriage or even forever.
I am looking to enjoy it all,
For as long as it makes us both happy.
I knew, all along,
That I would be the one displaying more.
Showing her affection,
Needing the time together.
I like that dose of interaction,
And a conversation, be it voice or chat,
To end the day.
His giving me his time and seeing me whenever possible,
Are indications of his caring.
That I am his first stop when he's free says it all.
That my home is where he's to be found,
When he wants a little r&r,
My company is the one he seeks out when done with his responsibilities.
I get affection, I get attention,
I get time and I get fun.
But now, I am scared,
For myself.
For it's always on the other's terms.
I know he's busy, I know he's got tons on his plate.
That he sees me whenever he can/wants to.
But if I want, I cannot expect to have it fulfilled.
It's not about him, actually.
It's about me.
That someone has become this important.
I really didn't expect or even want that.
But it's happened now, and I don't know how to go forward.
I have been warned, multiple times,
That interactions will be limited and restricted to once a week,
Maybe even less,
In the coming months.
I guess if I have that boundary for sure,
I can and will live by it.
But right now,
I wait every evening,
In the hopes of that call or message,
Saying are you free? Shall we meet?
I don't like that I am doing it.
But I know I want to see him whenever possible.
Even a little time in his company makes me glow.
Last week, I saw him almost every evening,
But this week, it's been just once.
And he's not even calling each night,
Like he faithfully used to.
Too tired, slept early, and so on.
And though I should be okay about that,
In truth I am not.
He's never disappeared on me,
He has at least messaged during the day.
But I do enjoy a few minutes of sharing.
Hearing his voice and about his day,
At the end of it.
The pleasure of his company,
Even when I'm being a brat,
Or being annoyed at him,
Leave me warm and fuzzy.
I miss him - I don't want to,
I really don't.
But I know not how to stop!
