When the cauldron bubbles over

So, a number of seemingly small or not very significant incidents, comments and irritants over the last few weeks have coalesced to this point: I am in a roaring bad mood and angry and bitter. I am feeling put upon, taken for granted, people asking more of me than I think is fair, and finding responses to be ungracious and uncaring. And like its a bit of a one way street with some - I give and adapt - they take.

A few of the things that have been bugging me, then.

My family - my grandfather has been making snarky remarks on FB and email, and seems to think that age gives him the right to say and do as he pleases; make demands, threaten, say shyte. I got involved in something that I was displeased about, thanks to my mother, and when I pointed it out she got angry. As expected it didn't stop with one thing and there was the snowball effect of that involvement - typical when the grandparent is involved, and my unwillingness is simply a result of years of bitter experience. But my mother is completely unwilling to see it my way and better yet, is a hypocrite. If she is annoyed at her parents, she will blast off an email, but when I am, I need to "just ignore it". Really? So my sentiments and feelings are not important in the grand scheme of things, I take it? You know, y'all aren't in my shoes, you're not living my life and reaping the just desserts or the rewards of decisions I took - I am doing the best I can, for myself. So if my FB posts and remarks don't meet your approval, then stop reading them! And most definitely stop sending me maudlin and annoying emails and posting comments that are self serving. 

Me going to others' to hang out, whenever the various other parties snap their fingers - it hurt recently when an invite to stay over was rescinded and in a casual manner at that, and I was reminded that I am not really important in the larger scheme of things, and that family, however whimsical their needs might be, will take priority. Once again I read more into something than there probably was. I need to stop seeing things as “progression” and accept that they are just random ideas by the other, not related to me as such, but his mood of the moment. If I can internalize this it will make things easier for me in the long run. I don't expect to come first in this situation, but I also don't appreciate never being given the priority anymore - it was done in the beginning, so why not anymore?

Getting grief for trying to plan a birthday party - Feeling like I need to convince people to come to it.

Feeling like everyone’s got a different agenda and I am just something that is worked into their schedules, if convenient. One person asked me to hold it a day early so he wouldn't have to be out late on the Saturday night. Why? 'Cause he wanted to get up early and play a sport on Sunday morning. Huh?! Another person, though, chose not to go to an event or attend a family wedding, giving my birthday the top priority. And another, who is coming into town just to be here on the day - that is a sweet gesture and a kindness I will never forget. Thank the lord for such friends! I got into this party idea 'cause one friend said he would do the planning and negotiations - I opened my big mouth and told myriad people to keep themselves free. Now I am not having the party - we could not get a deal or hell, even responses, from any of the restaurants/spaces we reached out to. And as I analyzed it, I realized that a few people had already given me attitude - remarks about the distance of the place I had wanted to hold it, the man having other things going on, family wise, that might hinder his being present - I understood it, yes, but again, it felt like then I had to pose the alternatives and make suggestions too. Why? It's my goddamn birthday - you should want to be there with me, and for me; if not, it's okay! I am tired of playing 'please pick me'!

I am no one’s priority – it’s always about me being a piece that can be fit in someplace. No one gives me the top space/place in their lives. And this is more my fault, for being available and adjusting and giving of myself. So I am not blaming someone else for this, or pointing fingers. It is my own behavior and personality that engenders this reaction/treatment from others.

I need to learn to accept my own company and do things alone or be okay with sitting at home with no plans, rather than letting people chop/change and mess with plans and turning myself into a pretzel to go along with them or do stuff I don’t really want to. I say how high when am told to jump, rather than taking a step back. I know this means I might lose some folks along the way, but isn’t that better than always being the second or third string to someone’s bow, and worse, being a forgone conclusion and taken for granted?

But the truth is, 90% of the time or more, I am happy to accommodate others, their whims, their needs. I like being the giver - it comes naturally, I enjoy being there for them, be it a friend or the man in my life or whoever. But when they let me down, even in these small or subtle ways, it does rankle. Yet, I know that it is extremely unrealistic to expect, even subconsciously, that others will be as giving of themselves as I am. So I guess, I continue to be myself, and when moments of explosion happen, or hurt, I learn to handle them better? Or just give in to the anger and then get it done with? Time for introspection, yes?