Alone in a whirlwind

In the deafening noise and chaos
That surround and defeat me wherever I go,
Somehow I am all alone.
Unhappily so.
Not one to regret my choices in life much,
Always figuring that every misstep or experience
Just builds my story collection,
I have approached each birthday and new year's eve
With joy and happiness,
For the shit I got to do that year.
And in honor of having racked up
Another year's livin'

But even I at my most optimistic,
Cannot ignore the unbearable sadness,
The sense of hopelessness,
That envelopes me altogether too often,
In the months since my return.
Sure, I focus on the happy and the good.
But that does not outweigh the sheer despair I feel
At where and how I am living my life.

The fault, should there be an apportionment of blame,
Is entirely mine.
I wanted more than what I had, which was a lot,
Rich in people and ideas important to me.
I reached further for love than I should have,
Losing my balance in the process.

The greed and need to have that aspect of life settled.
To shower all the love I have to give,
On a special someone,
Blinded me, or perhaps just numbed my sense.
Its a search I am back on,
In earnest and with as much hope as before.
Despite all the hurts and disappointments.
Because that much I do still know...
Whatever happens, a hand to hold makes it all better.