Of Fears and the Future

I am feeling off balance, the last couple days.
There are a number of reasons, I know this.
For one, I anxiously await my thesis chair's response.
I hope she agrees-I really want to work on the topic I chose.
Yet I know that once she gives me her approval,
I have two months to get things done.
I thought I had until November, but she wants it done by September.
A very tall order, but something I need to do.
So there is the fear of failing, not getting it done on time, etc.

This will signify the end of a journey as well.
That is part of the angst...
My MA will be complete. Thesis done, I will be ready to graduate in December.
What comes after is both exciting and really scary.
I will have to leave the cocoon I have made for myself here.
I will have to go back to my home country.
A place I have not lived in since I was 17,
Nor visited in 7 years.

I am told a lot has changed, that I will be pleasantly surprised.
That opportunities abound for someone like me.
Yet I distinctly remember how much I wanted to leave.
I never felt like I fit it, I was always an oddity.
Now, after eleven plus years away, how can I possibly hope to assimilate?
I have gotten used to my independence, my privacy, my invisibility.
All things I will lose the moment I am back on home turf.

Coming to college in a new country was an adventure at 18.
Returning to my homeland at 29 feels less so.
I know I cannot live with my parents long-term.
I will need to find a place to live, a job, re-introduce myself socially.
I know I will have the support of my parents and friends.
Yet, at the end of the day it will be my burden to bear.
My issues and culture shock that no one else will quite get.
My appearance, mannerisms, language, viewpoint...
Will all place me as the "other,"
More so than when I was growing up and lived there.
The eleven years away will have increased, not decreased, my alien-ness.

My parents are middle-aged now, and I want to be nearer them.
It doesn't feel right that I have not seen them in four years.
Yet I know we will drive each other crazy.
That I will become a snarling, emotional, bitchy mess around them.
But I also need to see them, be closer to them.

Mentally, I had been placating myself with the idea that it will be a vacation.
Six months of hanging out with friends, traveling around the country, being free,
Of responsibility and real worries. A break such as I have not had in...11 years!
I figured I would drag my best friend around with me...come to Singapore, come to Rajasthan, lets play and catch up, I would say, and she would agree, the only one of my acquaintance with the ability, or indeed the only person I could imagine,
As companion for such adventures.

Yet her announcement that she is getting married,
Made me realize that it is a foolish, unrealistic dream I am harboring.
She is a dear, but she will no longer be fancy-free,
a willing fellow adventurer for madcap schemes.
She will, rather, be someone's wife. He will have priority for her, as well he should!

And worst of all-she will get married and I won't be there...
in all the years away,
despite all the events and weddings I have missed,
Hers is the one that I always expected to be there for.
It never occurred to me that I would not be able.
The only one at which my absence will hurt me deeply.
The other times, it felt like I was missing out on fun and memories.
This time, its like forgoing a part of my life.
After all, she is the sister I never had.

I am excited and thrilled that she has found that person-the one she cannot live without, 'cause as we always said: marry someone because you cannot live without him, not because you can live with him.
In the years since I last saw her, she has matured and grown into a woman I admire and adore.
She surprises me with her depth and strength,
Of mind and character.
I want her to have every happiness, she deserves nothing less.
She has lived a charmed life, one I hope lasts always.

I can only hope that some day I will be similarly lucky,
Will find someone with whom I will want to share my life.
Not sure it will happen-the older I get the more I realize
That perhaps that is not the destination for me.
I have become a hermit of sorts, not dabbling in love/romance.
Prior experiences have made me wary-I have been hurt too many times.
But I will continue to hold on to hope.
After all, I consider myself an optimist...

I'll plan for things going right in the next year,
On my not failing.
I will get my thesis done.
I will find my place in my birth country.
I will be able to get acceptance to a Phd program I want.
I will get a visa to come back here.
And finally, everything will work out.
I believe, I believe...
In the power of positive thinking.
I better, or else I may never recover
From the despair and fears,
Of loneliness, failure, unhappiness...