Lucky

Watching the fire burning fierce and bright from my bedroom window, I am absurdly reminded of a childhood rhyme and game: "Fire on the mountain, run, run, run."
Indeed, run is what I feel I should be prepared to do. After all, its 2am and I can see freakish flames, pink and orange, lapping at the top of the mountain just miles away. I should panic and be scared, I know. But somehow that is not what I feel.

After an all night vigil, which consisted of keeping my eyes on the flames, first engorged and then diminishing slowly, as well as keeping my ear trained for the sound of the telephone, bringing with it that call to evacuate (which never came, lucky for us), I finally headed to bed at 5am. I had been mentally and physically prepared, important papers, precious things, and basic necessities at hand in case I did have to get in my car and flee. The call did not come, I am still able to watch and feel for those not so lucky, keeping tabs from my computer and on my television set, rather than being outside my comfort zone, home, life. I truly am one of the lucky people.

And I do appreciate how lucky we are. I also am amazed at how calm I was, and all the little things I thought of. And, truth be told, I also learned something new about myself: what it is I find and feel are important, and what I think about in a looming crisis. And last but not least, I am appreciative of the calls from friends telling me to get out, come to their place, just advising me of the situation. In a moment like that, one finds out who cares about you and thinks of you when disaster is impending. Not the hail fellow well met sort of friends, but the I want you to be safe and I am calling because I care friends. I am lucky in them too...

Love

I was in love, once.
Sometimes I worry,
That it was a one time deal.
Those feelings, that intensity,
Burned bright and swift.
And will never come again.

Perhaps to expect such depth of emotion
To occur again is asking too much.
I did not want to be in love,
Indeed I did not really think it a worthwhile investment,
Of my time or energy.
I felt it was hormones raging rather than sense prevailing.
Yet it happened and I could not ignore it.
Heart won out over head, despite every attempt.

The man I professed those feelings for?
Definitely not the wise or best or even safe choice.
In no way was it a good idea.
But I was sucked in,
And its taken many years to get out.
Though perhaps never to fully recover.

So do I want that again?
Yes, and No!
I don't see how that passion can be recreated.
How those bonds can be made with another, different man.
Yet-if I believe he was "the one".
Then I am dooming myself.

I have dated, been with, met, men since him.
Who had some of the qualities,
But never that strange combination that
Drove us together and finally, apart.

I have met much smarter and more intelligent men,
Whose intellect has wowed me.
I have met handsomer men,
Whose beauty has dazzled me.
But I have never met one who
Evoked in me, what he did.

I want connection and love, sure.
A partner, an equal, a lover, a friend.
Above all-an intelligent man,
Where earlier I wanted a smart, funny, sexy,
goodlooking, loving, kind, considerate,
etc etc etc etc etc superman!
Perhaps that is where it is different.
My wants now are less extravagant and airy.
More mundane and realistic.

Be my friend, treat me as an equal.
Let me be in awe of your mind and thoughts.
And let me argue and curse and disagree.
But most of all: I want to feel comfortable.
Be comfortable, not in a rush to fill the empty silences.
Rather, to enjoy and lengthen them,
To appreciate just having you around.

I see friends, alone and lonely and wanting more.
I see friends, with a partner they have and yet, don't.
I see friends, happily married, content, smiling.
I see friends, making do and putting up with things,
Rather than face being alone.

Five years with the same man, and she won't broach
the topic of marriage for fear of upsetting him.
Does not seem to think she should,
Because she deserves it.
Not because of expectations or making others happy,
But purely because,
It is her own deepest desire and wish.
Instead, she makes excuses for him,
Tells herself, and me, and everyone else,
She is happy with the status quo.
For rocking the boat would be unthinkable,
She might end up-alone.
Five years of married life, for another.
Its been an uphill battle all the way.
I admire her resilience and ability to sacrifice.
To stick to the plan and scheme, happy or not.

Then I think of myself.
Alone? Yes!
Lonely? Not really!
Happy and content? Reasonably so!
Pining for a man or marriage? No!
Society, family, convention,
All demand I settle down.
Yet, I demur.

Sure I see happy marriages and lives.
But I also see the difficulties.
So while the odd moment of being single,
Not having a dance partner when the music starts,
Or a definite dinner date Friday night,
Might cause me a pang.
In the larger scheme of things.
I am good with it.
Really.

Its nice to do things my way, in my own time.
Its also nice to keep hope alive,
That just around some not so distant corner,
Is a new someone who will make
My silences companionable,
And spellbind me with his intellect.
Until that day comes,
I am happy.
And even if it doesn't,
I still will be complete.